[Tony comes out of Satreale's lighting a cigar.]

Man: Hey! Get out of there!

Thug: Fuck off!

[He hits a man with a bar and run but Tony knocks him down.]

Thug: Uncle Tony?

[Tony drags him into the alley and presses him against the wall.]

Tony: Are you fucking kidding me? Pull a stunt like that on this street?!

Thug: It was just sitting there. What do you care?

Tony: Look. You’re a fucking street punk, snatching purses from old ladies. Christ if Pussy was here to see this shit.

Thug: Well he ain't here and fuck him anyway.

Tony: I got news for you Joey there’s more than one way to shame your family. Whatever else he was Pussy was a good father, and he would hate seeing you like this. He'd be as pissed as me.

Joey: I'm sorry Tony… It's just…

Tony: If you need money or something you should have come to me. Go home, but I feel like a fucking delinquent and maybe we can find something for you to do.

Joey: No kidding? You do that?

Tony: Go out the back way. Now! And forget the fucking purse, you moron! Go!

[Next scene. Some time passes. Joey drags some poor guy through the back door of Bada Bing.]

Silvio: You gotta learn to respect women, you poor fuck. Around the side.

Drunk guy: What is this? Let go of me. I didn't touch the bitch!

Silvio: You must be referring to Jasmine. One of our exotic dancers.

Drunk guy: I didn't do anything to her.

Silvio: You gonna lie to me now?

Drunk guy: What's it matter! She's a fuckin' stripper!

Silvio: Joey. How much more do I have to listen to?

Joey: Sorry, Sil-

[Joey hits the guy couple of times.]

Silvio: I gotta go win some money back from Vito. Go in around front.

[Joey enters Bada Bing.]

Debbie: There you are! I've been looking all over for you.

Joey: Some drunk pinched Jasmine's ass. What's wrong? Paulie askin' for me?

Debbie: No, not that I've heard. I know you're busy, Joey, but that loser upstairs won't change the music. Could you talk to him?

Joey: For you, gorgeous? Any time.

[Joey goes to talk to the DJ upstairs.]

DJ: Hey, pal Joey! How's it going?

Joey: Can't complain. Listen, Nicky - you gotta mix it up a little. The girls are getting pissy.

Nicky: So what's new? Tell 'em to fuck off, I don't take no requests, all right?

Joey: (tough answer) Then consider it an order, asswipe. Change it!

Nicky: Fuck that! Silvio says I can play what I want.

Joey: (tough answer) Your loving cousin also said I could break your fuckin' head.

Nicky: Well, Sil is gonna fuckin' hear about this, I guaran-fuckin-tee you. Here… Okay, maybe this will shut them up.

[He changes the music. Joey returns to Debbie.]

Debbie: Now this I can dance to. Wanna watch? You know I usually charge big time for this.

Joey: Hey, I'm happy to pay, beautiful.

Debbie: Your mother raised you right, Joey. But this one's on me.

[Joey gets a private dance as a reward for his work.]

Debbie: Thanks again for the music, sweetie.

Joey: I should be thanking you. That was fucking hot.

Chapter 1 – MIRAGEEdit

[After that Joey goes to talk to his capo – Paulie Galtieri. Along the way, he runs into an old friend.]

Joey: Reggie? What are you doing here?

Reggie: Thought I'd sag hello... Find out if you talked to Paulie, you know, about me.

Joey: This ain't a club, Reg. They don't need new members.

Paulie: Hey, Joey! I keep telling our guest here, Tony ain't here. You seen him round?

Joey: No, not in a while. Not lately.

Guy: I'm not asking for a second opinion. I heard the man. Tony. His voice.

Paulie: Just a mirage, my friend. He ain't here.

Guy: Don't be so fucking stupid. You see a mirage, you don't hear it. Who doesn't know that?!

Paulie: (pouring out a glass of booze on his face) Marone!

Guy: Sonofabitch!

Paulie: Now go clean up. Before I do something we both regret. (to Joey) Now, where the hell were you? I'm starving out here.

Paulie: Get me a pastrami sandwich with Dijon mustard. And see if Tony wants anything.

Joey: I thought he wasn't here.

Paulie: You thought wrong, bonehead! He's in the office!

[Joey goes to get Tony’s order.]

Joey: Hey, Tony… You want anything from the deli? Paulie's hungry.

Tony: Which must mean you're buying. Get me the salami on rue, lettuce, mayo, mustard.

Silvio: Eh... chicken soup with rice. Lotsa pickles.

Christopher: Cheeseburger and a vanilla shake. If it's chocolate, you're fuckin' takin' it back, got it?

Joey: Neil?

Neil: No thanks, I'm off to AC, then I'm drooping by the bachelor party.

Tony: You're gonna spg on your future son-in-law, and then tell your daughter?

Neil: He can look, but not touch. Those are the rules.

Tony: Hey, you're a defense attorney, counselor, not a prosecutor.

Christopher: I feel sorry for the fuckin' kid, marrying into the Perry Mason family.

[Joey gets back to Paulie. He talks to Vito Spatafore along the way.]

Joey: Vito, I'm ordering take out-

Guy: (to Joey) Hey! My friend was talking to one of the strippers. I hear you fuckin' threw him out!

Joey: Yeah, then I beat his ass. He pinched Jasmine.

Guy: You fuckin' dick!

Vito: Whoa!

Joey: I hurt your friend pretty bad. You wanna be next?

Vito: You tell him Joey. Get out of here, Jazz. This ain't something a lady should see.

Guy: You want me to act all scared? Well fuck you, I ain't scared!

[Joey beats his ass.]

Vito: Not bad, rookie.

Joey: Thanks Vito. So like I was saying before douchebag number two interrupted. I'm getting take-out. You want something?

Vito: Lo-fat turkey, no bread, no rnayo, no potato salad, just meat and a pickle.

Jasmine: Paulie was just looking for you. Out front.

Reggie: Paulie wants you. Said to go see him right now.

Joey: Probably wants corned beef now. Where is he?

Reggie: In the can, along with his business associate.

[Joey goes to look for Paulie and finds him in the toilet. He beats a guy with whom he recently spoke.]

Paulie: Don't just stand there! This ain't happy hour. Take over. My manicure is fuckin' ruined.

Joey: What happened?

Paulie: Pound this cocksucker. Or maybe you like seeing yourcaptain disrespected?

Joey: (smooth answer) The guy's a low-life Paulie, no question.

Paulie: Then earn your pay. Bring him here. Let's see if this wall's a mirage.

Joey: Whatever you say, Paulie.

[Joey hurls a guy in the toilet wall.]

Paulie: Looks pretty real to me. Enough already. Clean him up. Head first.

[Joey dunks guy in the toilet.]

Paulie: All right, forget that fuck. Now go pick up my sandwich.

Joey: I didn't call it in yet, Paulie. I been running non-stop. I'll do it right now.

Paulie: Madonn! You killed him! You stupid shit! Why'd you hit his head so hard?

Joey: (smooth answer) You didn't tell me he was a bleeder.

Paulie: Don't be fuckin' stupid! Get him out of here.

Joey: Me?

Paulie: Yeah, you. Get rid of the body, his car, his piece, this blood bath, all of it. And no fuck-ups!

Joey: Can Reggie give me a hand?

Paulie: That idiot out front? If anything happens, it's your ass, ya hear?

Joey: Sure thing, Paulie.

Chapter 2 – DUMPING THE BODYEdit

[Next scene. Joey and Reggie bring the guy's body to the docks.]

Reggie: I got a good feeling about this.

Joey: About dumping a dead guy?

Reggie: Paulie asked me to help! I think he's gonna give me a shot, working on his crew.

Joey: (tough answer) Reggie. He called you ”that idiot out front.

Reggie: He's just busting my balls.

Joey: (smooth answer) They usually do that to your face.

Reggie: Believe what you want. But I deserve this. This is my time. Not all of us grew up knowing Tony Soprano.

Joey: Fuck you! Like I don't hear enough of that shit from Christopher.

Reggie: You know what I mean. I ain't trying to be a dick, Joey. I just want what you have.

Joey: You mean a father who's a fucking legend for being a rat? Who betrayed his oldest friends, then fucking disappeared? I got shit, Reggie.

Bum: And where is this Judas?

Reggie: Get lost, poos.

Bum: “He shall die, he shall die as it was written!”

Joey: Just what we need… a preacher on rot gut. Hey you… shut the fuck up!

[Joey beats his ass.]

Reggie: Forget about him. Ah, man, I can smell that stinkin' bum from here.

Joey: Just grab the load, okay?

[They go to toss the body into the water.]

Driver: How you doing? Hey! What the hell is that?

Joey: It's a roll of carpet.

Driver: You pay extra for the feet sticking out?

Joey: Get back in your fucking truck.

Driver: How 'bout I call the ccps instead?

[Joey beats his ass.]

Joey: This is none of your business. (to Reggie) Let's sink that fucker and get outta here.

Reggie: You're not going in there, are you?

Joey: It's the only way through. I'll go first.

Guard: Shift's over already? Whoa! Who are you?

Joey: Fuck!

Guard: Hey, what is this?!

[Joey beats his ass.]

Guard 2: Joey? What are you doing here? I already paid Paulie.

Joey: (smooth answer) I hear you quit gambling, too. Smart move. I need a favor.

Guard 2: Nothing personal, but I need to stay away from you guys.

Joey: (smooth answer) Slow down, I just gotta dump something.

Guard 2: That's not so bad... you got a hundred bucks?

Joey: (smooth answer) No problem. Take a walk. Hey, Reg! Let's go.

Reggie: How you doing?

Guard 2: I didn't see nothing!

Reggie: We there yet?

Joey: Just about.

Joey: Let's see what he's carrying.

Reggie: Must be a thousand bucks here.

Joey: We split it sixty forty. This is my gig.

Reggie: Then I'm keeping this beauty. Gotta be worth five hundred at least.

Joey: Paulie said to disappear the guy - and his stuff.

Reggie: Fuck Paulie. You get the extra cash, I get the watch.

Joey: Fine. You finished?

Reggie: What about the piece?

Joey: Give it to me. Let's get rid of this guy. You bring those blocks?

Reggie: Shit! I forgot. I saw some chains back there. We can weigh him down with those.

[They find some crate to weight the body.]

Reggie: Here we go. Gimme a hand. These chains are stuck. Can you lift this thing? (to phone) Yeah? I'll be there later. Don't worry.

Joey: You gotta be kidding. Shit! Reggie! Where'd he go?

Reggie: (to phone) I gotta go. We'll talk.

Joey: No way. Oh, my God. We gotta find this guy!

[They are looking for a guy who must be dead.]

Reggie: Motherfucker! I lugged this guy like a half a mile. He isn't even dead!

Joey: He's about to be.

[Joey pulls out a gun and finishes the guy off. The sound of the shoot alarmed two guards.]

Guard 1: Hey! Who's there?! Anybody hurt?

Reggie: Guy's a little late.

Joey: Not funny. Hide the body.

Guard 1: I heard gunshots. What happened?

Joey: You tell me. I heard 'em too.

Guard 1: You're full of shit! They were right over here!

Guard 2: What's going on back there? I gotta see.

Reggie: Kiss my ass!

[A fight begins until a guard resorts to us, to whom we paid a hundred bucks.]

Guard: What the hell you fools doing? That's one of Tony Soprano's guys!

Guard 1: Him? Shit! He didn't tell us!

Joey: Hardly had the chance, asshole.

Guard: They're leaving Joey. I'm sorry. C'mon you two. Dumb motherfuckers.

Reggie: Nothing like being connected, huh?

Joey: Back to work. We don't even know this fuck's name.

Reggie: It's Mario. It's on the back of the watch. "To Mario, love Angie."

Joey: Sorry, Anyie, I just do what I'm told. Watch this nice, she's probably his fiancee or something. She'll never know what happened. He'll just be gone. No goodbyes, no phone call, no nothing.

[They dump the body in the water.]

Reggie: Next we dump the car - and I got a great idea where to leave it.

[In reflection in the water, Joey sees his father - Salvatore "Big Pussy" Bonpensiero.]

Pussy: I see they got you doing Paulie's dirty work.

Joey: Dad?

Pussy: You're really in it now, Joseph. I can't do any worse than you did. It breaks my heart that I hurt you, son. But sometimes in this life, all your choices are bad ones. Wait 'til you lived some. You'll see.

Chapter 3 – JACKPOT!Edit

[Next scene. Some big casino. Reggie sits at a table.]

Joey: I dumped the car, let's go. Paulie didn't say nothing about gambling.

Reggie: Easy, big fella. It‘s not even midnight!

Joey: Enough with the watch already.

Reggie: Chill fuckin' out! Hey, you remember Kevin Delancey?

Joey: Sure, Ms. What's-Her-Cunt, 5th period. He's marrying Jeannie Cammarata.

Reggie: Bachelor party's tonight. Jamie Severino got a room upstairs. You interested?

Joey: (tough answer) Fuck no. I'm not dealing with that asshole tonight.

Reggie: Jamie ain't that bad. All that high-school stuff is ancient history.

Joey: (neutral answer) Fuck it, do what you want.

Reggie: Just give me an hour.

Joey: (neutral answer) One hour. That's it.

Reggie: I'll be right back. You won't even notice.

Neil: Hey, Joey! You here for the party? Come say hello!

Joey: Mr. Cammarata, congratulations. Jeannie‘s gonna be a beautiful bride.

Neil: True, but jeez, the money I'm dishing out. I'm out ten large on the dress alone.

Guy: My two favorite words: dealer busts!

Neil: This arrogant prick is Dr. Tyler Adams.

Joey: Joey LaRocca. If you ever put money on football or something, I can take your action.

Dr. Adams: Who is this weenie? I don't fuck on the first date, kid… O.K, just this once. Gimme five dimes on the Meadowlands Midgets - with the points.

Joey: (smooth answer) Smart bet. No way they don't cover.

Dr. Adams: I like your attitude.

Neil: Joey. Come here, let's talk private. I need some, ah, assistance on a deal, if you catch my drift. Two hundred bucks is the fee.

Joey: (smooth answer) Two hundred?

Neil: Make it two fifty.

Joey: Then whenever you're ready.

Drunk guy: LaRocca! Long time no see. You here for the party?

Joey: Hey Terry.

Terry: This guy- this guy only had blonde girlfriends in high school. One after the other. Just like his dad.

Joey: (tough answer) Watch yourself, fuckface.

Terry: But who knows where the fuck he is these days. Arizona, New Idaho, or some shit.

Terry’s Friend: Whoa! Terry!

Joey: (tough answer) Terry...

[Joey beats both their asses.]

Woman: Thank you. I'm glad someone finally did something.

Joey: (smooth answer) I'm glad you hung around.

Woman: It's my job. You here for the party?

Joey: (neutral answer) Kind of. You're with Neil, right? I've seen you before.

Woman: I'm not fucking him. We work together. I'm Carol.

Guy 1: This guy. I just saw him beat the shit out Terry.

Carol: You mean that drunk? He was asking for it.

Guy 2: Shut up, bitch!

Joey: Hey! That's fucking enough!

[Joey beats both their asses.]

Carol: Thanks again. Now where were we?

[Joey’s phone is ringing.]

Joey: You believe this? Hold on… Hello?

Paulie: It's me. Where the fuck are you?

Joey: Paulie?

Paulie: Hey! Not on a cell. Find a pay phone and call back, NOW!

Joey: Sorry. I gotta go.

Carol: If you ever need a lawyer, look me up. I owe you.

[Joey goes to look for a pay phone]

Paulie: About time. Did you do the thing?

Joey: Mission accomplished, boss, as instructed.

Paulie: Where the fuck are you?

Joey: At the Nighthorse. We ditched the extra car here. Good, huh?

Paulie: Don't tell me that baboon friend of yours is wandering around the casino telling war stories!

Joey: I'm just going to get him now.

Paulie: Then grab him by the ear and get the fuck out of there! Capisce, dumbass?

[Joey trying to call Reggie.]

Reggie’s Answer Machine: This is Reggie. You know what to do.

Joey: Reggie- if you get this, call me. We gotta go.

Guy: Joey! I heard upstairs you were here!

Joey: Vin! You're leaving? I didn't know the room number.

Vin: Yeah, got a baby at home. Rona's gonna murder me as it is.

Joey: (smooth answer) Congrats! Hey is Reggie upstairs?

Vin: Should be. Room 406.

Joey: Cool. Thanks Vin.

Vin: Have fun. Do something I wouldn't do.

[Joey takes the elevator to the party.]

Hotel Worker: Are you in staying in the hotel, sir?

Joey: Room 406. Severino.

Hotel Worker: Have a good evening.

Joey: Here's hoping.

[He begins to search the bachelor party.]

Drunk guy: That’s it. I can't wait.

(He pisses in a flower pot.)

Joey: What are you doing?!

Drunk guy: I gotta leak to take. The party's drunk, I'm getting lame.

Joey: Put your dick away! This ain't the bathroom.

Drunk guy: Ahh. It's okay. I like using the bushes.

[Joey knocks in the room 401.]

Woman: Harold is that you? Did you find the ice?

[Joey walks to the room 402.]

Woman: Yeah, baby! That's it, don't stop!

[Joey knocks in the room 404.]

Christine Scatino: Go away! That was Eric’s college fund!

Davey Scatino: I'll get it back, I swear.

[Joey knocks in the room 405.]

Man: For the last fucking time - I don't want any more goddamn towels! Jesus!

Fat Guy: I don't remember the name LaRocca on my invite list.

Joey: Hello Jamie. I'm looking for Reggie.

Jamie: I thought he was upstairs, blowing you in the honeymoon suite.

Joey: (tough answer) Go fuck yourself, Severino.

Jamie: (going into the next room) C'mon honey, how about a little quality time? Take care of him, guys!

[Joey crack some faces.]

Jamie: Guess it's just you and me, douchebag!

[Joey kicks his fat ass.]

Joey: Let's try again. Where's Reggie?

Jamie: He went off with Kevin, up to the penthouse. They got a couple hookers.

Joey: What's the room number?

Jamie: Just the Penthouse. You need a key to get up there.

Neil: Joey, my good man! What the hell's this?

Joey: It's nothing, Neil.

Neil: I been looking all over! We have an appointment, remember?

Joey: Something came up.

Neil: You mean this bullshit? Quit fucking around, let's go.

Joey: Neil, I'm sorry. My friend went up to the penthouse, I gotta find him. He's fucked up.

Neil: You have a passcard? I didn't think so. Back me up on this thing and I'll give you mine. (to a guy with glasses) Sorry we're late. This is Joey, he's a friend. Five grand, here it is.

Guy with glasses: The price just went up. It's seven.

Joey: Oh, I see why I'm here.

Guy with glasses: You got a problem, asshole?

Joey: (neutral answer) Hey, it's your blow. But a deal's a deal.

Guy with glasses: Keep your mouth shut.

Joey: (neutral answer) Or what? You'll fuck with us some more?

Neil: Please, let's settle this like businessmen!

Guy with glasses: Too late for that, mofo!

[Joey kicks some asses.]

Neil: Joey, what the fuck?! You just cost me my main connection!

Joey: I still need to borrow that card, like me said.

Neil: Whatever. You crazy fuck.

[Joey goes to the party.]

Guy: Joey! Aha... didn't know you were coming.

Joey: Are you kidding? Wouldn't miss it. Congratulations, Jeannie's gonna make a great wife.

Guy: Just not yet, thank God.

Joey: You seen Reggie?

Guy: His date took him to the Champayne Suite. You need a girl to get in. Wanna hook up?

Joey: Thanks.

Guy: Down here, in the party room.

[They go to the penthouse.]

Joey: I'd like to go next door. You interested?

Girl: You look like a generous man. Why not? We're gonna have a great party, baby. You can pay me in the room.

Guard: Welcome to the Champayne Suite.

[Joey goes to look for Reggie and finds him in a room on the floor. A whore stands next to him is.]

Joey: Reggie? Hey! Leave him alone!

Whore: Mr. Limp Dick here owes me three hundred for the hour, and I'm leaving with it.

Joey: Where's his watch, bitch?

Whore: I don't know! Where's my damn money?

Joey: (tough answer) You think I won't hurt you?

Whore: You wouldn't be the first.

Joey: (tough answer) If you don't mind, I sure the fuck am happy to oblige.

Whore: No! Don't' I'll give you the watch.

Joey: Reggie! Get up, we gotta go!

Pimp: Your lady's still waiting. If you aren't here to dip your wick, get out.

Whore: He's ripping me off, Jake!

Pimp: Is that right? You messing with my product?

Joey: She's a fucking thief!

[He beats pimp’s ass.]

Bouncer: Boss!

Pimp: About fucking time!

Bouncer: I'll deal with this, don't worry.

[Joey beat the bouncer ass too.]

Pimp: Hey, you fucked up my doorman, shit-head!

Joey: You're defending the wrong skank.

Reggie: I'm gonna be sick. That bitch slipped me something, I swear.

Joey: Upchuck in the elevator. C'mon.

Reggie: What happened back there? Did I even get laid?

Joey: Yeah, she said you were the best ever.

Reggie: Shit! My watch!

Joey: (giving him his watch) You're welcome.

Chapter 4 – PINEAPPLESEdit

[Next scene. We’re back at Bada Bing.]

Paulie: Forget hockey. It's idiotic. Bunch of thugs. Baseball, my friend, is a game for intellectuals.

Christopher: Then why do you like it?

Paulie: Ho! Watch your fucking mouth!

Joey: Hey Paulie, here's this week.

Paulie: Not bad, junior. Anytime you're ready to express your gratitude, the envelope's always waiting.

Joey: Understood. You need anything else?

Paulie: I'm taking my ma to Fernando's For Hair. Check in with T. He's in the office. (to Christopher) See, this one shows a little respect.

Christopher: Like he's got a choice. He works for you.

Paulie: Generosity, my friend, is a virtue not an obligation.

Christopher: That's bullshit, Paulie!

[Joey goes to Tony.]

Tony: I heard you ran into a little trouble at the casino the other night.

Joey: (smooth answer) Wasn't my fault, Tone.

Tony: Neil's son-in-law is a real piece of work, huh?

Joey: Didn‘t mean to cause trouble, T.

Tony: Uh, guys your age, you need to... sow wild oats, so to speak. Don't worry about it.

Silvio: Joey. Debbie's dancing for some creep next door. Take a look, would you?

Joey: Sure thing, Sil.

[Joey goes to check on Debbie.]

Guy: (to Debbie) I didn't say you were done.

Debbie: You bought half an hour. You want more, pay more.

Joey: Time's up, mister. You heard the lady.

Guy: “Lady?” This skank?

[Joey hits him.]

Joey: You just insulted a friend of mine.

[He beats his ass.]

Debbie: What a wimp dick.

Christopher: Hey, LaRocca, over here. Chob choo.

Debbie: I gotta go. Thanks, Joey, you're a sweetheart.

Christopher: I gotta make a collection. This punk who runs the gym's been holding back. You're coming with me.

Joey: I work for Paulie!

Christopher: Then he better not find out, right?

Joey: This is bullshit, Chris. He's a captain!

Christopher: And so am I. What are you gonna do? Tell the principal?

Joey: Fuck.

[Next scene. Christopher and Joey are walking on the street, then AJ drives to them on an SUV.]

AJ: Hey, Joey, Chris, how's it going?

Christopher: Going good, Junior, going good.

Joey: Jeez, is that YOUR car?

AJ: I wish. My Dad had me pick it up for him. Just drove it off the lot.

Christopher: The one over on Bloomfield? That's fuckin' miles from here.

AJ: Well, I'm airing it out. Hey, gimme a call sometime.

Christopher: (to Joey) Now there's a three-car pile-up waiting to happen.

[They go to Shapiro’s Gym.]

The girl behind the counter: Hey Joey, where you been? Long time no see.

Joey: My membership expired.

The girl behind the counter: Want to renew?

Christopher: Right now, he's working. For me.

The girl behind the counter: Sorry Chris, should I go get Saul? He didn't tell me you were coming.

Christopher: Hey, it's a surprise. Where is he?

The girl behind the counter: Probably in back. Try the juice bar.

Christopher: (to Joey) Take a look around. I don't want that fucker slipping out.

[Joey goes to the Juice Bar.]

The boy behind the counter: Like a free sample? Papaya protein shake.

Christopher: Get that health shit away from me.

The boy behind the counter: Jerk.

Christopher: What'd you say, juice boy?

The boy behind the counter: Please, let go of me!

Beafy Guy: Hey, leave him alone, asshole!

[Christopher hits him in the nuts.]

Christopher: Joey, get the fuck over here!

[Joey and Christopher kicks their asses.]

Christopher: (to the boy) This is all your fault, you little fanook. (to Joey) Go get him.

The boy behind the counter: I don't want any trouble. I just sell juice.

Joey: Too fuckin' bad.

[They beat the shit out of him. After that Christopher opens a freezer.]

Christopher: Motherfuck! It's true!

Joey: What?

Christopher: Saul's dealing steroids, and I ain't seen a fucking dime. Let's go see Charles.

Joey: The Workout King? He's in on it?

Christopher: He fucking hates this shit. Who do you think ratted Saul out?

[They go find the trainer.]

Trainer: One more set! This one's good for the booty.

Girl: That's what you say about all of them.

Christopher: Charles.

Trainer: Start without me, girl.

[He leaves.]

Girl: Oh no, we're done. I'm not doing knee bends with an audience. Hi Joey.

Joey: I didn't know you worked out here.

Girl: And I didn't know you were such a bad-ass. I heard about Kevin's bachelor party.

Joey: You remember those guys. Jamie Severino, that crowd...

Girl: Total dicks. I just don't remember you being such a tough guy.

Joey: Hey, you grow up. Things change.

Girl: Hopefully not everything. If you ever want to, you know, get re-acquainted, call me, okay?

Trainer: What do you mean, "your fucking cut?" I want that shit out of here!

Christopher: So someone else makes the big money? No way.

Trainer: If Saul keeps this up, I'm calling DEA.

Christopher: Joey, he's a friend, so I need you to explain, okay?

[Joey breaks the trainer.]

Christopher: So where's old Saul hiding out?

Trainer: Maybe his office... or taking a dump, fuck you very much.

Joey: Christopher. Behind you!

Beefy Guy: What the fuck? Charles?! You all right?!

Christopher: He's fucking terrific. Now get back to the bags.

Beefy Guy: What'd you do to him?!

Christopher: Don't touch me, you fuckin' baboon.

[Joey helps Christopher.]

Christopher: Saul owes me money. This ain't your problem.

Beefy Guy 2: Fuck you, Guido, think you're some bad shit?

Joey: He does - and he is.

[He beats his ass.]

Christopher: Maybe Saul ain't here. Let's check the office, then take a hike.

[They go to Saul’s office.]

Christopher: Where's Saul? Hidin' in his office?

Beefy Guy 3: Haven't seen him all day.

Christopher: You won't mind if I take a quick look, right?

Beefy Guy 3: Sorry Chris, employees only.

Christopher: He's my fuckin' employee and he's fuckin' up big-time.

Beefy Guy 4: Hey, you heard him!

[Joey and Christopher kicks their asses.]

Answer Machine: Saul, Louis here. Just a heads up: Angie Buscetta’s flipping out. His nephew's fuckin' disappeared... You call if you hear anything.

Christopher: They finally noticed. Took 'em long enough.

[At a door in the office.]

Joey: It's locked.

Christopher: Open the door, Saul, I know what you're hidin'.

Christopher: Jesus Christ! That's the ladies locker room. Pervert.

Joey: Hey, there's Trishelle! Whoa... she's gone Brazilian.

Christopher: And look who else is on TV. That lying fuck, here the whole time!

Saul: (to some girl) Tell Chris I went home sick. I'll be in the locker room.

Christopher: I'll kill him. Come on!

[Christopher finds Saul in the next scene.]

Christopher: You two-faced cocksucker.

Saul: I didn't do nothin'!

Christopher: The fuck you didn't, you thief!

[Joey beats his beefy thugs.]

Saul: Christopher, calm down. We can work this out!

Christopher: Don't bullshit me, Saul, you lying, cheatin' bastard.

[Joey and Christopher kicks his ass.]

Saul: I didn't tell Buscetta's guy a thing, I swear.

Christopher: Angelo Buscetta? What about him?

Saul: Something happened to his nephew Mario.

Christopher: Who gives a fuck? I want my money, now!

Saul: What are you talking about?!

Christopher: Steroids, cocksucker! When you're jerking off in your TV room, which hand you use?

Saul: What?

Christopher: You right-handed or left?

Saul: Right.

Christopher: (to Joey) You heard him.

[He puts Saul’s hand in a furnace.]

Christopher: I want half the steroid business.

Saul: I'm barely breaking even!

Joey: Wrong answer.

Saul: I'll pay you whatever. Just stop!

Christopher: And a 20% premium for pissing me off, right?

Saul: Whatever… my hand... I'm gonna lose my hand! Fine! Just make him stop!

Christopher: We forgetting anything, LaRocca?

Joey: My gym membership lapsed.

Saul: A lifetime pass! As many as you want!

Christopher: Good answer. See you next week.

Joey: This guy Buscetta. His nephew Mario. What'd they say about him?

Saul: The kid disappeared. Supposed to see Tony or something. They think he got whacked.

Joey: By who?

Saul: They don't know. Some guy was flashing around a watch that looked like the nephew's. Real piece of bling, worth twenty five G's.

Joey: Twenty five thousand dollars?! Fuck!

Saul: Hate to be that kid. Buscetta was a psycho back in the old days.

Joey: Fuck.

Christopher: Let's go, junior, our work here is done.

Chapter 5 – BUST-OUTEdit

[Joey washes his face in the toilet and sees his father in the mirror.]

Pussy: A watch! That's kinda hard to miss.

Joey: Fuckin Reggie...

Pussy: Never wear a dead man's watch, 'specially if you whacked the guy. Paulie's gonna be pissed.

Joey: I gotta tell him?

Pussy: Better you than someone else.

[Next scene. We’re back at Bada Bing.]

Debbie: Did Silvio find you?

Joey: Where is he?

Debbie: He was here a minute ago.

[Joey goes to find Silvio.]

Silvio: Joey. Professor McNally was fillin' me in here on a unique business opportunity.

Joey: Okay...

Silvio: Thought I'd be a silent partner but the prof here thinks it's unethical.

McNally: A big investment, two weeks before clinical results come in? To the SEC, that's insider trading.

Silvio: Fuck the SEC. What's the company?

McNally: I can't tell you, it's against the law.

Joey: (smooth answer) So's jaywalking. But most people do it anyway.

McNally: I'm sorry. But that kind of facile logic just isn't going to work.

Silvio: Whatever the fuck that means.

Joey: I thought he'd listen to reason. Guess we'll have to move on to violence.

McNally: What?!

Silvio: Sorry professor. Cough up that name, or you'll be takin' a permanent sabbatical.

McNally: Wait! The company's called... Slate-Boxton Pharmaceuticals.

Silvio: I'll go in for thirty grand. The Feds'll never notice.

McNally: Jesus Christ.

Joey: Hey, Sil, you seen Paulie?

Silvio: He ain't around.

Joey: I really gotta talk to him.

Silvio: He's over at Satriale's, working on his tan.

[Joey goes to Satreale’s.]

Joey: Hey, what's up?

Vito: Tony's meeting with Angelo Buscetta.

Joey: From Philly? I thought he was in Rahway.

Vito: Fresh out. Good behavior.

Joey: Gotta see Paulie.

Paulie: Who invited you?

Joey: There's a problem, Paulie. Reggie took someone's watch. Who's no longer with us.

Paulie: NOW you tell me this shit!

Joey: (smooth answer) I fucked up, Paulie, I'm sorry.

Paulie: Fuckin' A you fucked up, you fuck! Madonn'! Twiddly Dee and Twiddly Dumb-Ass!

Tony: Whatever you need, Angelo, just let me know.

Angelo: I got three nephews, but the only one who ever come to see me inside was Mario.

Tony: No shit.

Angelo: If anything happened to him.

Tony: He's been gone one day. Probably bangin' away somewheres. Take it easy, Angie.

Joey: Oh fuck. The name on the watch: Angie.

Paulie: Time to lose your cherry, my friend. Reggie has left the building, capisce? And do it fuckin' now!

Chapter 6 – COLD BLOODEDEdit

[Joey goes to find Reggie.]

Mailbox: Reggie - Apartment #301

Drunk man: Where the fuck am I... hey, my wallet's gone!

Joey: I just walked in.

Drunk man: You low-life thief!

Joey: Watch your mouth, drunk.

[Joey beats his ass and going up on an elevator.]

Jehovah's witness: Are you familiar with the Lord's good news?

Joey: (tough answer) Catch a clue. We did this last week.

Jehovah's witness: The Lord will not be denied.

Joey: (tough answer) Bother me again and you're gonna meet the Lord.

Jehovah's witness: Then may the Lord have mercy.

[Joey knocks on apartment 308.]

Guy behind the door: Is that you, Frank? I was just gonna come over and square you away.

Joey: (smooth answer) I made it easy and came to you.

Guy behind the door: Sorry I'm late. Shit, you're not Frank.

Joey: (smooth answer) No, but I'm Frank's guy. And he's still waiting.

Guy behind the door: I'll slide it under the door. He'll get the rest tomorrow.

[He gave Joey .]

Girl at laundry: You know how to make this work? Darn thing keeps stealing my quarters.

Joey: Usually works if you just give it a whack.

Girl at laundry: Wow! Guess a good whack fixes everything.

Guy: What the hell are you looking at?

Girl at laundry: He just stopped by to help, Fred.

Guy: You like my wife's ass, you fucking creep?

Joey: (smooth answer) Take it easy, I was just helping her.

Guy: Then if you're done, you can go.

Girl at laundry: Please, just go.

[Joey knocks on apartment 301.]

Reggie: Go away!

Joey: It's Joey.

Reggie: Joey?! No shit! Hold on. I thought it was those Jesus freaks. What are you doing here?

Joey: (smooth answer) What? A guy can't drop by?

Reggie: You don't usually. What's up?

Joey: (tough answer) We gotta talk, Reggie.

Reggie: Oh yeah? About what?

Joey: Everyone knows you took Mario's watch. Paulie's pissed.

Reggie: Then he can have it. It's here somewhere.

[Joey goes to whack Reggie.]

Reggie: Fuck Paulie. He made you do his dirty work.

Joey: Shut up!

Reggie: Or what? You gonna shoot me, Al Capone? Relax.

Joey: You don't understand, Reg.

[He pull out a gun.]

Jehovah's witness behind the door: Hello? We bring the Lord's Good News!

[Reggie turns around.]

Reggie: Jesus!

[The fight begins and Joey loses the clip of his pistol in the process.]

Reggie: You ain't gonna shoot me now, you fuck! I got the clip!

Joey: Get back here!

[Joey chases Reggie.]

Joey: No use running, Reg!

Reggie: Get away from me!

Joey: I wish I could.

Reggie: You fucking snake!

[The fight continues.]

Joey: This is your own fault!

[Reggie knocks to somoene’s door.]

Reggie: Hey guys! It's Reggie! Let me in, hurry up! You gotta help me!

Guy: Hey, Reg -

Guy 2: Don't let him in! He's a narc!

Guy: Shit!

[Reggie crawls through the window. Joey climbs behind him and they end up on the roof. From the roof, he notices Angelo’s man.]

Joey: Fuck! Tuzzio...

Reggie: This ain't right!

Joey: I got orders. You exposed us all!

Reggie: Hey, I didn't kill that kid!

Joey: Yeah, but you know who did.

[Joey beats his ass again. Reggie drops the clip.]

Reggie: Shit!

Joey: Big mistake. Reg… dropping this.

Reggie: Joey, please. I'II disappear, I swear.

Joey: Then you get ID'ed and we're all fucked.

Reggie: Please. I'll leave New Jersey today. In the wind.

Joey: (tough answer) Got no choice, Reg.

Reggie: We grew up together!

Joey: (tough answer) Shut up! This isn't my fault!

Reggie: Fuck you, Joey, you can't do this! Joey?

[He kills Reggie.]

Tuzzio: Thanks. You saved me a bullet.

Joey: Fuck you!

[He shoot at his couple of times but misses. Now he need to whack Tuzzio.]

Tuzzio: You're a true friend, aren't you?

Joey: Fuck you!

Tuzzio: Angie's gonna hear about this! He loved that kid!

Joey: Shut up!

Chapter 7 – BAR MITZVAHEdit

Paulie: You take care of that thing?

Tony: You mean did he clean up your mess?

Joey: It's over. Paulie.

Paulie: Now that's a beautiful timepiece.

Tony: Don't you start wearing that thing. Give it here. (to Joey) Ever been to a Bar Mitzvah?

Christopher: He's back. Chad Ridkoquki, that field goal kicker from New York.

Tony: Is he sober this time?

Christopher: Only cause he just got here. He's in the lounge next door.

Joey: Then go lean on him. Take Joey.

Christopher: Like I need him? We're not talking about a left guard, T.

Tony: (to Joey) After you're done, we'll finish our conversation.

Christopher: The guy kicks field goals, Tony. He doesn't even wear pads!

[Joey begin searching for the Kicker.]

Tony: Get out there kid. Chrissy's waitin'.

Paulie: In the lounge. Go, go!

Christopher: Hurry the fuck up. (to guys at the bar) The room's closed, folks. Do your drinking up front.

Kicker: What's going on?

Christopher: You're running quite a tab at the Nighthorse. We'd like to cover it for you.

Kicker: I don't need your help.

Christopher: Yes, you do. Now if you start missing kicks, bingo, your debt disappears.

Joey: Otherwise say hello to the injured list.

Kicker: Hey! Fuck you.

Kicker’s frend: Let's get out of here, Chad.

Christopher: No broken bones, Joey. We need this guy healthy next Sunday.

[Joey and Christopher beats his ass.]

Kicker: All right, stop! Stool I'll miss a few kicks!

Joey: A few?

Kicker: I'll throw the game! Whatever it takes!

Christopher: All right, LaRocca, I got it from here.

Kicker: Fine. Whatever you need.

Christopher: Fourth quarter, if you're way behind, make a point after. It'll deflect suspicion.

Kicker: What if I miss?!

Christopher: Don't miss.

Kicker: What about my tab at the Nighthorse?

[Joey returns to Tony. He’s phone ringing on the way.]

Joey: Hello?

Trishelle: Joey, it's Trishelle. I gotta work late. Can we try again?

Joey: Relax, it happens. What do you do, anyway?

Trishelle: Just boring internet stuff. I'll tell you when we go out, okay? Call me.

Tony: You talk to that kicker?

Joey: It's covered, Tone. He's cooperating.

Tony: So, as I was saying... you're startin' to impress me, kid.

Paulie: I've been ridin' his ass, T.

Tony: There's a party at Vesuvio's next week. Hesh's nephew's Bar Mitzvah.

Joey: Hey, Tone, thanks. Should I bring a gift?

Tony: Fifty bucks in an envelope. Kids that age, all they want is cash.

Paulie: Bring fifty-four. It's a sacred number. Some Jewish ka-blah-blah shit.

[Joey goes to the Bar Mitzvah at Vesuvio.]

Joey: Sorry I'm late. Had to dust off the suit. Shit, Angelo's here?

Silvio: Show some respect. He may be scum, but he's still a boss in Philly.

Tony: On my mother's grave, Angie, I never laid eyes on your nephew.

Angelo: If you had, Mario was gonna tell you about a ship with twelve keys out of Bogota.

Tony: Not really my line. But good for you.

Angelo: The ship docks at the Cranford Marine Terminal.

Tony: Not good. Local 210 is mine.

Angelo: I give you half, you don't have to do a thing.

Tony: Except rot in Marion. No thanks. Find some other port.

Angelo: Don't fuck me, Tony. I need this.

Tony: Whoa, Angie. Watch the language. This is a religious event.

[He talks to Silvio.]

Silvio: I've been reading the stock page. Our investment, Slate-Boxton Pharmacy.

Joey: You mean Pharmaceuticals.

Silvio: Yeah, right. It's up four percent already.

[He talks to Tony.]

Joey: Just wanted to say hello.

Tony: A.J.'s been looking for you. He's inside.

Joey: Thanks,Tone.

[Joey goes in Vesuvio to talk to AJ. He talks to Christopher]

Christopher: Guess T thinks you're all right, inviting you here.

Joey: And you don't? I helped you with the gym, then the kicker.

Christopher: Keep it down. You fuck up my odds and you're a dead man.

[Joey talks to Paulie.]

Paulie: Tony still with Angie?

Joey: Last I saw.

Paulie: That bald fuck mention his nephew again?

Joey: The name came up.

Paulie: That fucking Mario. So you can't "hear" a mirage. That asshole knew exactly what I was getting at.

[Joey talks to Vito.]

Vito: YOU got to come? Must be movin' up.

Joey: Just hope I'm done buying everyone lunch.

Vito: Dream on, meatball. That's gonna be years.

[Joey talks to a kid next to Hesh.]

Kid: Hey. That's my toe.

Joey: Then move it.

Kid: You won't get close unless you're a kid. He always gives us money at these things.

AJ: Did you see all those envelopes? This kid's fuckin' rich.

Joey: Makes up for never having Christmas.

AJ: Hey, speaking of which, I got a little present for you.

Joey: I'm listening.

AJ: Hey, can we talk somewhere more private? (he’s phone ringing) Yeah? Hold on. (to Joey) Meet me in the bathroom. I'll be right there.

[Joey talk to some lady on the way.]

Joey: Mrs. Kirschner, how you doing?!

Mrs. Kirschner: Joey! What a surprise. How do you know Gabriel?

Joey: Through his Uncle Hesh.

Mrs. Kirschner: Is it true he's a gangster?

Joey: It's great to see you, Mrs. K.

Pussy: Look who's here. Everybody’s newest “Wiseguy of the week”. And all it took was wastin' his best friend.

Joey: What's your fucking point?

AJ: Dude. Were you just talking to yourself?

Joey: You wanted to tell me something?

AJ: I'm throwing a rave with my buddy next weekend. Thirty bucks to get in, cash bar, it's gonna be huge. I want you to work security. Is three hundred bucks good for the night?

Joey: Sure. I'm in.

AJ: Remember, this is just between us.

Joey: No problem.

AJ: I mean it, Joey. You won't tell my Dad, will ya?

Joey: I'm not a fucking rat, all right?

AJ: Just being careful, that's all. Call you next week, okay? Right now I really gotta take a dump.

Chapter 8 – FORGOT TO FLUSHEdit

[Next scene. AJ’s party at some parking.]

Joey: (to some drunk guy) I already told you. You're not invited.

Drunk guy: I ditched the knife, asshole!

[Joey kicks his ass.]

AJ: Good work, man, but you forgot to turn your headset on.

Joey: I feel like I'm in a fucking boy-band.

AJ: Style! My homie!

Rasta Guy: How's our party, A.J.?

AJ: Soon be slamming, my man!

Man 2: Then we all go home happy.

AJ: Those are our backers.

Joey: Looks like you went outside the family.

AJ: Just keep the line moving, all right? The more, the merrier.

Joey: What's this? Gonna do some business?

Punk: Just spreading the love… Here's a hundred to forget about it.

Joey: (tough answer) Five hundred and you don't know me.

Punk: Peace, man.

Girl: So... did you invite me to dance or be frisked?

Joey: Yeah, it'll be a complete body search.

Girl: Don't you wish.

Joey: (smooth answer) I'm kidding. Go on in, gorgeous.

Girl: Aren't you the gentleman. I'll be waiting for you.

AJ: Joey... over... I'm sending a dude to cover for you. Meet me in the lobby. Copy?

Joey: Yeah, that's a big 10-4, mama's boy.

Security 1: Yo, Joey, check the alley. I think me got party crashers.

Joey: No prob. Remember. No one under eighteen gets in.

[He enters the party and look for AJ]

AJ: Joey! It's all cool.

Joey: You know that guy's selling nitrous, right?

AJ: And paying us a buck fifty on every sale. I need you to check the men's bathroom. Someone complained.

Joey: About what?

AJ: Who the fuck knows? Just check it out.

[Joey checks the bathroom.]

Joey: Hey, guys. Snowing in here?

Seller: Depends. You the weather man or law enforcement?

Joey: Just enforcement. Gimme a taste.

Buyer: He's got my money- and the blow!

Joey: And I care why?

Buyer: You idiot!

Joey: I didn't fuck up your deal, did I? You remember Mr. Toilet from high school, right?

[He reunites him with Mr. Toilet.]

Buyer: Who the hell are you? This is MY party! Fuck!

Joey: You wanna buy drugs, do it outside.

AJ: Joey? You there? Problem downstairs. Hey, have you seen Frankie?

Joey: Who the fuck is Frankie?

AJ: My business partner! Fuck it. Just go downstairs, okay?

[Joey goes there and meet a girl along the way.]

Girl: These guys - they‘re like totally rolling. They're hassling my girlfriend.

Joey: Where is she?

Girl: It's right behind me. C'mon.

Idiot 1: You said you were into it.

Idiot 2: It's just the drugs, give it a minute, baby.

Joey: When they say no, you stop.

Idiot 1: Or what? You're gonna fight us?

Idiot 2: I can't fight, I got a hard-on!

[Joey beats his pathetic asses.]

Girl: Are you okay? It's over sweetie.

Girl’s Girlfriend: Who was that guy?

Girl: Security. I found him in the hall.

Girl’s Girlfriend: Thank you so much.

[Joey go downstairs.]

Poor brainless guy: Watch the kicks fool! Damn, you had better not a scuffed ‘em.

Joey: Do not say another fucking word to me, understand?

Poor brainless guy: Whatever, man. I ain't frontin'

Punk: Your chakras need some work.

Girl: Wow, Egon, you're so intuitive. Do you have anymore E?

Punk: (to Joey) My brother. This is most auspicious.

Joey: What do you mean?

Punk: These kids, they'll buy anything. But I'm all out of product... partner.

Joey: (smooth answer) Sixty, forty, you're on.

Punk: Greed kills Karma. You know that, right?

Joey: (smooth answer) Let me worry about that. You in or out?

Punk: In. Where's a Dead Head when you need one?

Girl: Joey! My friend's in trouble! Next door, in the hip hop room. You gotta help him!

[Joey goest to the hip hop room.]

Girl: Joey! Thank God, do something! Those fucking Neanderthals are gonna kill him!

Joey: Hey! Back the fuck away from him!

Stoned Rapper 1: What'd you say, dawg?

Stoned Rapper 2: I know you ain't tryin' a run-up?

Girl: This isn't 8-mile, assholes! You're from Bayonne!

[Joey kicks this fool’s asses.]

Girl: (to her friend) That's gonna bruise. You should get some ice from the bar. I'll catch up, okay?

Girls Friend: What? Yeah, sure.

Giel: Thanks, Joey. If you hadn't been here...

Joey: I'm just glad he's okay. Are you two... involved or anything?

Girl: John? He's gay... and as single as I am. I came here to see you.

Joey: First good thing I heard all night. This fucking party...

AJ: Joey, I can't find Frankie. I need him in the office. Check the lobby. Over.

Joey: What's he look like?

AJ: Kinda like a surfer... from New Jersey. Frosted hair, a necklace... I need him in the office, now!

Joey: Do me a favor. Don't leave, okay? Not till we talk.

Girl: I'm not going anywhere, Joey.

[Joey goes back upstairs.]

Joey: Oh, fuck. You're Frankie?

Frankie: Not again. Stay away from me!

Joey: C'mon. Frankie. Open the door! I didn't know you were A.J.'s friend!

Frankie: You made me eat shit! Literally!

Joey: I'm sorry. I'm not here to hurt you this time.

Frankie: How do I know that?

Joey: (tough answer) Aw, fuck this.

[He smash out the door.]

Joey: A.J, wants you. In the office.

Frankie: So? I don't have to do what he says. I'm not going.

Joey: You want to do this again? C'mon Frankie. Time to go.

Frankie: Oh, shit! Just let me go man! I can get out through here.

Joey: (tough answer) Don't be such a bitch.

Frankie: Fuck you!

[Joey kicks his ass.]

Joey: You finished? Let's go find A.J.

Frankie: If you'll quit hurting me, then fine!

Stoned Girl: The coke's on the desk, guys.

Joey: This isn't the time, Frankie.

Frankie: Yeah, whatever.

[Joey hits him.]

Joey: You gonna start listening?

Frankie: No problem.

Joey: I brought the idiot.

Security: You must be Joey.

AJ: All right, cool, let's split it up. Hey, bust it out, Frankie.

Frankie: We got a problem. I don't have the money.

Rasta Guy: I'm gonna tell you now, you best be joking. Yeah, yeah, I love a good joke.

Frankie: I was gonna double it. I had a line on some coke.

AJ: You did a drug deal with our money!?

Frankie: I tried to! Your asshole friend totally fucked it up!

Joey: Me? I had nothing to do with it.

AJ: Ahh, this is bullshit! Fuck!

Rasta Guy: Quiet now! Someone better clarify the situation or it could get nasty.

Joey: (smooth answer) Forget Frankie. He's a degenerate fuck, let's talk this out.

Frankie: This is your fault!

Rasta Guy: This is not cool.

AJ: Desmond, I had no idea!

Joey: (smooth answer) A.J. had nothing to do with it. He respects you, he's gonna square you up.

Desmond: Then tell me. How's he going to do that?

AJ: Desmond, relax, all right? We're partners! I'll get you your five thousand.

Desmond: Plus a tax of five. That's ten and I want collateral. Car keys from all of ya.

Frankie: I drive a shitbox. Take A.J.'s. He's a got a brand new S.U.V.

AJ: Hey, fuck you, Frankie! This is your fuck-up!

Frankie: And you brought in the fuckin' Dreads. I told you not to trust them.

Desmond: Enough talk.

[He stab Frankie in the stomach.]

Joey: Sonofabitch!

AJ: Jesus fuckin' Christ!

Desmond: The keys, boy.

AJ: Frankie?

Desmond: You wanna die too? The keys!

Joey: You're making a big fuckin' mistake.

Desmond: When I get my ten grand. Den we talk.

Joey: No fucking way.

Rasta Guy 2: Where ye tink ye goin, mon?

[Joey beats his ass and go to the main floor.]

AJ: Christ! Frankie's dead! We gotta get outta here, Joey. They can't take the car. If my father finds out, he'll kill me. And definitely you.

[Joey trying to leave the rave but Desmond’s guys stands in his way.]

Rasta Guy 3: Desmond says no go.

AJ: Please, we gotta get through. I gotta talk to Desmond! It's not my car. Joey, hurry! We gotta get the car! Ahh, please, this is important! Hurry up! They could be gone already! We gotta stop them! Oh fuck!

Drunk Rapper: Ya'll thought the beef was squashed? You fucked with my boys, son.

AJ: This is so FUCKED!

Drunk Rapper: Crying already, bitch?

Joey: Fuck off, moron!

[Joey punches him couple of times. And some more after that.]

AJ: He took the fuckin' car. What do I tell my dad?

Joey: Anything but the truth. Cause this ain't good.

Girl: What happened? Joey? Are you guys okay?


Joey: They took his car.

Girl: At least you didn't get hurt, right?

AJ: Are you kidding me? We're fucking dead! Both of us!

Chapter 9 – TABLE SAWEdit

[Next scene. Day. Joey goes to Bada Bing.]

AJ: (on the phone) Don't you have any idea where the car is?

Joey: Hold on.

AJ: Joey, you gotta help me. This is my fuckin' dad! I can only bullshit him so long.

Joey: I got a line on a chop shop in Newark, Do-Right Auto Repair. Couldn't find no address.

Joey: Did you look on the internet?

AJ: A.J. Maybe you oughta just tell Tony. Come clean, you know.

Joey: Hold the phone. I'll find the address.

Pussy: A.J.'s a nice kid, but he ain't the one who's gonna get hurt.

Joey: You want me to tell Tony? That's bullshit. I ain't a rat.

Pussy: You put a cap in your best friend and you think you're better than me?

Joey: I'm keepin' my word with A.J.

Pussy: Then find that chop shop. Paulie knows that business. Ask him.

[Joey talks to Paulie.]

Joey: Hey Paulie. You ever in the, ah, car business?

Paulie: I've been in every business, my friend.

Joey: I heard about this shop in Newark -

Neil: Motherfucker! Guess who's celebrating his non-marriage to my little girl with a fucking lapdance?

Silvio: He's rubbing your nose in it, Neil.

Neil: He broke my daughter's heart and cost me a fuckin' fortune!

Paulie: And you still owe me for the other night.

Neil: I'm bleeding money, Paulie.

Paulie: Then maybe the groom should pony up some guilt money. Joey, let's go say hello.

[Joey goes to find the groom.]

Kevin: Take a break, Deb. Joey, what are you doing?

Paulie: So Jeannie called off the wedding.

Kevin: Can you believe that bitch? So I got a little pre-nuptial pussy. It was my bachelor party!

Paulie: Well, you fucked up, junior. You broke her heart and even worse, her father owes me money.

Kevin: Like that's my problem?

Joey: It is now, Pancho.

Paulie: Half the wedding costs. Call it fifteen grand.

Kevin: I'm not paying shit! SHE called it off! Not me!

Joey: Hey, pay your debt like a man.

Kevin: You threatening me? Fuck off!

Joey: Wrong answer, Kev.

[Paulie and Joey kicks his ass.]

Neil: This is beautiful. Wish I had the wedding photographer here.

Paulie: That's fifteen K to Neil. And another five to me. Capisce?

Kevin: (Groans)

Paulie: I'll take that as a yes. First installment due tomorrow. Ten thousand.

[Joey’s phone ringing.]
Joey: Hello?

AJ: I got the address for the chop shop. Let's go!

[Joey goes to the body shop.]

Joey: See that? You got hurt, Tony would kill me.

AJ: Well, he's gonna kill both of us if we don't get that car back.

AJ: And keep it clean. He thinks it's getting detailed.

[Joey grills the mechanics.]

Clerk: Can I help you?

Joey: (smooth answer) I'm here for my boss. Picking up his S.U.V.

Clerk: What's the last name?

Joey: Glad you asked. Soprano. Tony Soprano.

Clerk: I'd remember THAT name. You sure you got the right shop?

Joey: (tough answer) His car better be here. And in one piece.

Clerk: I'd like to help, it just isn't here! Go look yourself.

[Joey looks for the manager.]

Manager: What's the problem? Hear you're looking for something.

Joey: A stolen car. Thought it might have ended up here. By mistake, of course.

Manager: Couldn't have happened.

Joey: I think you're a lying sack of shit!

Manager: And I think you're a fucking dead man!

[Joey asks him to watch his language. And beat his ass of course.]

Joey: Where's the car?

Manager: Not here. We keep the stolen ones in back - through the alley.

Joey: Show me.

Manager: There's a button under my desk. It opens the door to the alley.

Joey: Then fucking open it! Smartest thing you've done all day, asshole.

Mechanic: We gotta find more rims, man. Easy money. (to Joey) Who let you in?

Joey: The manager said it was okay.

Mechanic: Oh yeah? The manager said? That's bullshit!

Thug: Take a load off, Mon.

Thug 2: You know this guy? Who is he?

Thug: I thought he with you!

Joey: I'm here for Tony Soprano's car.

Thug: You got balls kid. Too bad I'm gonna cut them off.

[Joey beat their sorry asses.]

Thug 3: Hey, that's my buddy.

[Joey kick his ass too.]

Guy in Gas Mask: That ain't funny! Those fumes could have killed me!

Joey: I'm looking for a car.

Guy in Gas Mask: You dragged me out for that?

Joey: Where's Tony's fucking S.U.V?!

[He forces the painter to talk.]

Man 1: Keep 'em coming, Style. Good lookin' out.

Style: Hey, man, it's what I do.

Man 1: Talk to Bill. He's got your dough. (to Joey) Hey. You don't belong in here!

Joey: Just passing through.

Man 1:No you ain't.

[He betas him and searching for Style.]

Style: That car be brand spanking new!

Man 2: It's also hot. That depreciates the shit out of it.

Style: Hey! That's one of them Soprano boys!

Man 2: Bob! Tommy! Get him!

[Joey fights the chop shop thugs.]

Style: I told Desmond... never trust an I-talian.

Joey: He should have listened.

[He puts him down and go get AJ’s car.]

Joey: (answering the phone) Don't worry. I got it.

Paulie: If it's cash, you better kick up.

Joey: Paulie? It's something for A.J. I borrowed a video game.

Paulie: That, you can keep. I got a rush job. Neil Cammarata's office. He's paying his poker tab.

Joey: I gotta go now?

Paulie: Tony's orders. Someone saw Neil the Nose talking to some badge the other day. We wanna know why.

Chapter 10 – LAW OFFICE MAYHEMEdit

[Joey goes to Neil’s office.]

Guard: I ordered the General's Chicken and a side of won-ton. It's an hour late.

Joey: Joey LaRocca. I'm here for Mr. Cammarata. He's expecting me.

Guard: His office is still closed for lunch. You can wait here, though.

Joey: Thanks. Where's the restroom at?

Guard: Down the hall, to the right.

[Joey goes to men’s room. He’s phone ringing.]

Joey: It's all good. I got the car. I'm just doing something for Paulie.

AJ: Awesome! Where is it?

Joey: You know Neil Cammarata's office?

AJ: Yeah, sure. Place looks like an old house, right?

Joey: S.U.V.'s in the parking lot. Meet me there.

Man: Look who's here… Think we met at Kevin's bachelor party.

[He goes with him to the toilet and begins to piss.]

Joey: I'd shake, but I’m busy.

Man: Jamie told us your dad was in the mob. Did he really just disappear?

Joey: (smooth answer) I came here to piss, not talk.

Man: Guess it must be kinda embarrassing.

Joey: (tough answer) What? That tiny dick you got?

Man: No. Having your old man turn rat.

[Joey tells him to choose words. With his fists.]

Guatd: What happened? What'd you do?

Joey: This is on them. I only came in here to piss!

Guard: So you got jumped by a couple lawyers? Bullshit!

[Joey kicks his ass too and go upstairs.]

Lawyer 1: She's claiming sexual harassment, discrimination, the whole nine yards.

Lawyer 2: And Neil's having you handle it? You lucky guy.

Guy: You're late. I called in a rush! Get this deposition to the courthouse. (he drp the documents) Pick it up, clean it off and get out of here.

Joey: You got the wrong guy. I ain't a messenger.

Guy: Look, you dropped it. You clean it up. Asswipe. I'm sick of you guinea fucks.

[Joey kicks this stupid racist’s ass.]

Guard: (to courier) You're an hour late and the order's wrong. What the hell am I paying you for?

Courier: I just do what they tell me. It's sixteen twenty five.

[Joey go lookng fot Carol.]

Rapper 1: Better check with Mr. B. Make sure we're available. We might have that thing.

Rapper 2: You mean over at that place, to get the stuff?

Joey: I was hoping I'd see you.

Carol: What a nice surprise. Let's talk in the hall. Excuse me, Gil. Joey? What are you doing here?

Joey: I was hoping I'd see you. I gotta pick something up from Neil.

Carol: Now? I think he may be banging his secretary. That's a joke.

Joey: You know about some badge who came by the other day?

Carol: Let's talk in the library. The guy wasn't a cop. He's a probation officer. One of Neil's clients disappeared. Mario Buscetta.

Joey: Name don't ring a bell.

Carol: Probably drug-related. His Uncle Angelo's a major dealer.

Joey: He's an ex-con, right?

Carol: Probably a future one, too. According to Neil.

Joey: Why'd Neil say that?

Carol: You know Neil uses, right? Just recreationally.

Joey: You mean cocaine?

Carol: Like you haven't heard. Gimme a break. Anyway, Angelo is Neil's supplier. And the other day, see… I'm sorry. I can't talk about a client like this. Wine with lunch. Big mistake.

Joey: (smooth answer) If you're in some kind trouble, just say the word -

Carol: No! God, you're sweet... it's just that Angelo bought some major weight.

Joey: (smooth answer) He didn't get busted, I hope.

Carol: Not yet anyway. It's coming in this week. One of the ports.

Joey: Thanks for the update.

Carol: I must be nuts. If I get fired you're taking me to Maui.

Guy From Toilet: That's him! I said maybe two words and the guy jumped me!

Carol: What's the problem?

Guard: You're trespassing sir, you need to leave.

Joey: Nope. Not till I see Neil.

Guy From Toilet: Smug sonofabitch.

[They fight.]

Gil: That's enough! Get out or I call the cops!

Carol: Gil! They attacked HIM!

Gil: I'm warning you kid -

Joey: Hey, you want to be next, asshole?

[Gil escapes. Joey chases hum.]

Joey: Where's Gil?

Gil’s Secretary: In his office. Is something wrong?

Joey: (to Gil) Get off the phone.

Gil: You aren't allowed in here!

[Joey defeats him.]

Neil: (fucking some girl) Joey, I totally forgot! Get in here!

Girl: Neil! Not now! Oh my God...

Neil: That's it, hon. Back to work. A real tension killer. Gil? What the fuck?

Gil: Didn't know he was a friend, Neil. Forget about it.

Neil: C'mon in. Let's settle up.

[Joey goes to Neil;’s office to collect from him.]

Neil: Nothing like blowing your nut. Takes the edge right off. That woman is a wildcat. Where was I?

Joey: Paulie's dough, remember?

Neil: Oh, yeah. All eight grand, right here.

Rapper 1: Which is for us, right? Mr Buscetta wants full payment for the nose candy, noun.

Neil: I guess someone's gotta to take a number.

Joey: Get in line, boys. Paulie gets paid first.

Rapper 2: Fuck that!

[Joey picks up an urn.]

Neil: Careful, that's my mother's ashes!

Joey: Pay up, or she'll be dusting these dicks.

Neil: Hey, I'm not the problem! That's my MOTHER!

[Joey beats Rapper’s asses.]

Joey: You were just leaving, right?

Rapper 1: Fuck you!

[Joey throw his out of a window.]

Raper 2: Rocco!

Neil: You sick fuck!! Here. Give my regards to Mr. Walnuts.

Joey: You know anything about Angelo Buscetta bringing a load of coke through here?

Nail: No way, man. This is Tony's turf.

Joey: (smooth answer) (grab Neil’s balls) Tell me something I don't know. I want details.

Nail: All Angie ever talks about is his fuckin diverticulitis.

Joey: (tough answer) At this rate, Sharon will have to find a new fuck-buddy.

Neil: Angie's moving some coke in through Cranford. That's all I know.

Joey: Cranford. You mean at the Marine Terminal?

Neil: Right by the Marina. Please... let go!

[Meanwhile on the street Rapper 2 steals AJ’s car.]

AJ: Hey! Please no, don't.... That's my dad's car!! Holy shit! Again?! How many times is this gonna happen?!


[Joey goes to Vesuvio.]

Paulie: What happened? Did Neil deliver?

Joey: Paid in full.

Tony: What about that cop we heard about?

Joey: A probation guy looking for Mario. Neil buys his powder from Buscetta.

Tony: From Angie? You're fucking kidding me.

Joey: It gets better. Angelo's still planning that thing over in Cranford.

Tony: That motherfucker... I told him it was no go.

Vito: I'm sorry, boss. I just heard.

Tony: Heard what?

Vito: About Silvio's investment.

Tony: I repeat, heard what?

Vito: His stock just tanked. Did you buy in, too?

Tony: Silvio's my consiglieri, not my broker.

Vito: Sorry, boss, I just thought...

Tony: Vito, you ain't paid to think... thank God.

Vito: Joey - Silvio needs a hand at the bar.

[Joey goes to talk to Silvio.]

McNally: Slate Boxton's track record has been phenomenal. Go figure.

Silvio: Hey, it'll go back up, right?

McNally: Wrong. The drug trials were a complete bust. One guy shot himself.

Joey: Fucking A...

McNally: Chapter 11 time...

Silvio: I smell a scam. Joey, grab him.

McNally: This was an investment! There's no guarantee.

Joey: You said it was a lock.

McNally: Sil. I'm an academic, not a stockbroker.

Silvio: Listen up, smart guy. Somebody's covering my losses.

McNally: Stop, please! I'll pay you. I just don't have that much money right now.

Silvio: You don't have to pay it all at once. I'm not trying to be unreasonable.

McNally: Thank you.

Silvio: We'll put our heads together, figure out a payment plan.

Joey: You want me to stick around, Sil? I oughta check in with Paulie.

Silvio: Go on, we'll be fine. The Professor's a man of his word. So, as I was saying... thirty thousand dollars, repaid over, say, twelve months. Twenty-five hundred a month plus points... you'll have it covered in no time.

Tony: Calm down, A.J. Just tell me, are you all right?

Paulie: A.J. got carjacked!

Tony: I'll be right there. You're gonna be fine. Motherfuck! Those sons of bitches tried to run him down with his own car! My car!

Vito: Who?

Tony: Who the fuck do you think! They were twins. Italian looking.

Paulie: Buscetta's twins.

Tony: First the drugs, now this. It's time to push back. Start with Angie's porn studio. That place Louis runs. You blow it the fuck up!

[Joey and Vito goes Angelo's to porn studio.]

Joey: Don't that look like - holy shit! It's Lola Vee! Hey, Lola, love your work...

Lola: You're not a stalker, are you?

Joey: (neutral answer) No, afraid not.

Lola: Are you an actor?

Joey: (neutral answer) Yeah, you want to rehearse? I'm ready.

Vito: Cut the crap, let's get going.

Lola: I'll take a rain check, Romeo. Talk to Saul.

Joey: Lacks charm, but good at her job.

Vito: Forget the chone, man, we're on a mission.

[They go looking for utility closet.]

Vito: Shit, it's locked.

Joey: Maybe these guys can help.

Guy in sunglasses: Who the fuck are you?

Vito: New management. Now hop to it.

Guy 2: You know who owns this place, asswipe?

Vito: You mean that finook, Louis the Bat? We're taking over, fuckface.

[They teach this finooks to know their place.]

Vito: I got the key. Go find the utility room. That's where we work.

Joey: Where you going?

Vito: Upstairs. And make sure the place is empty. We don't want no one killed.

Guy 3: What a waste of time.

Guy in sunglasses: We do what Louis says. Go check the halls again.

Joey: Damn. This one's locked too.

Vito: We got another problem. They're making a movie! The whole fucking crew's in there.

Joey: So, send them home.

Vito: Don't be a smart ass. You gotta help. C'mon.

Joey: That's it folks, time to go home. Show's over.

Porn Actress 1: Who let you in?

Porn Actress 2: Thanks, honey. I knew you'd get me off. Mind if I return the favor?

Joey: (neutral answer) You think I'm kidding? Get out.

Porn Actress 2: Go on, Angel, I'll take it from here.

Joey: (smooth answer) You think you can talk me out of this?

Porn Actress 2: Don't worry, I won't say a word.

Joey: Ho! Hands off!

Porn Actress 2: It's in the script, asshole!

Joey: Fuck the script. There's been a total rewrite, so get out, now!

Saul: Well, fuck all, look who's here. You trashed my gym, remember, punk?

Joey: And left you crying like a little bitch.

[He kicks his ass again.]

Man: Almost at attention! Two more minutes! I'm at half-mast.

Joey: Out. Now.

Man: Hey, asshole! I've been working for an hour here. You know who I am?

Joey: Sorry. Stuff it in your pants and leave, NOW!

Vito: Listen, pervert, I need to get into the utility room. Tell me how, or I put a bullet up your ass.

Porn Actor: Try the janitor. He's usually in the hall somewhere.

Vito: (to Joey) You heard him, go find the janitor.

[Joey searching the studio.]

Joey: You got a key to the utility room? I need it.

Man: Who's talking? I never seen you round here before.

Joey: You're not listening. Gimme the key.

Man: Kiss my ass!

[Joey finds the key and go to the utility room.]

Vito: Make it quick. I'm gonna go pull the alarm, make sure nobody gets burned.

Man 1: (behind the wall) The set's empty!

Man 2: (behind the wall) Keep looking. Saul said they're still inside!

Guy with sunglasses: In here playing with yourself, huh, pal?

Joey: This whole place is gonna go.

[He set a bomb and runs out the studio.]

Joey: (to some guys) Hey, stupid! There's gonna be an explosion. Stay here much longer, you're firewood, okay?

[He leaves the studio.]

Porn Actress 2: Did anyone tell the internet girl?

Internet Girl: HELP! SOMEBODY! HELP!

Joey: Trishelle?! Oh, my God!!! (to Vito) I thought you cleared the place. I gotta go back!

Vito: We can't stick around! The cops are gonna be all over this.

Joey: (tough answer) Don't be such a fuckin' wimp...

Vito: Watch it, junior. I'll clip you right here.

Joey: (tough answer) Then take a fucking shot!

Vito: Two minutes, Captain Courageous. Then, I'm gone.

[Joey going in burning studio searching for Trishelle.]

Man 1: I don't think Tommy's gonna make it. Let's go back.

Man 2: Then we'll die, too. Fuck that! Too late, let's go.

Tommy: You bastard! You did this!

[Joey shoot him dead.]

Porn Actress 1: What happened? What's going on?

Joey: Hurry up, get out. The stairs.

Trishelle: BACK HERE! PLEASE! SOMEONE! HELP ME! PLEASE! I'M TRAPPED! Joey? What are you doing here?

Joey: Getting you out.

Trishelle: I can't believe you're here! All Louis wants to save is his money.

Joey: Louis's here?

Louis: (standing outside with his guys) It's in the floor safe by the desk. Whoever brings it back gets half!

Man 1: Oh my God. Hurry. You found the cash?

Man 2: Only a grand - the rest is ashes.

Man 1: That's the guy! He's still here!

Joey: You're so fucking perceptive.

[Joey shoots them.]

Man 1: What happened up there? Where's Johnny?

Joey: Can't help you, were leaving.

Man 2: The lady can go. Not you, fire boy.

Trishelle: I'm not leaving without him.

[Joey shoots them.]

Louis: Tony sent you, didn't he?

Joey: The message is: tell Angie to back the fuck off.

Louis: Listen to you, some pissant goombah with a match.

Trishelle: Louis, take it easy. Joey just saved my life.

Louis: And cost me my business!

[They both beats the shit out of him.]

Trishelle: Was he telling the truth? Do you really work for Tony Soprano?

Joey: Do you really work here?

Trishelle: Not anymore!

Joey: Good. That's worth torchin' the place. If I knew you answered to these dirtbags, I would've torched it sooner.

Trishelle: That's the sweetest thing I ever heard.

Vito: Joey! What are you doing? Car's around the corner.

Joey: Sorry, Vit, caught a better ride.

Trishelle: Much better.

Vito: Then, why am I standing here?


[Vito and Joey hugs and kisses (just joking, its Trishelle and Joey.)]

Joey: Thanks for the ride. Wanna maybe hook up later?

Trishelle: You could always come by - though my mom might not appreciate it.

Joey: You live at home?

Trishelle: Another dirty little secret.

Joey: I'll call you tomorrow.

[She leaves and Joey enters Bada Bing.]

Silvio: You smell like smoke. Which is a good thing, right?

Joey: Not for Angie.

Silvio: Fuck him. That those cocksuckers even got near Tony's son... it's unprofessional.

Joey: Is Tony around? I oughta check in.

Silvio: He's getting a bite to eat over at Vesuvios. You got company upstairs, a Dr. Adams.

Joey: Good, an account receivable. Thanks, Sil.

[He goes upstairs to talk to Dr. Adams.]

Joey: Hello. Doc. Who's your friend?

Dr. Adams: My ride home. I'm giving you my pink slip.

Joey: It's not a gift, it's a payment.

Doc’s Friend: Whatever. I'll wait downstairs.

Dr. Adams: I need a second loan.

Joey: (neutral answer) I'm sure we can work something out.

Dr. Adams: God, am I glad to hear that. Same rate?

Joey: (smooth answer) Come on, Doc. More risk, greater return.

Dr. Adams: Which means a higher rate?

Joey: What do you think, Einstein?

Dr. Adams: Fine.

Joey: Nice doing business, Doc.

Dr. Adams: Wish I could say the same.

[Joey goes back to Silvio.]

Silvio: You're gonna go see Tony, right?

Joey: Absolutely. Just had to pick up a car.

[He go to Vesuvio.]

Girl: He said the clams smelled funny. He wanted to inspect the kitchen.

Paulie: You could have said "no"!

Girl: I was scared. He said he was a really important food critic, and I could lose my job.....

Paulie: (to Joey) Where you been? Vito's been back for hours.

Joey: I had to see a girl home.

Paulie: Before you sit down, Sir Galahad, go to the kitchen. Somebody's snoopin' around. And Artie don't need no bad reviews. (And next time, fuck the critic. The kitchen is terra non grata, okay?

Girl: Thank you, Paulie.

[Joey talks to the food critic.]

Joey: The clams, they came in this morning.

Chief: Excuse me, this area's not open to the public.

Critic: I'm not the public.

Joey: I heard. Artie ain't here, see, so come back when he is, okay?

Critic: I think I've seen enough, thanks. Review runs on Tuesday.

Joey: (tough answer) And your obit's on Wednesday, if you trash this joint.

Critic: Feel like I'm in a mob pizzeria. Look, mister, this is my job.

Joey: It wouldn't be fair to say nothing without talking to Artie.

Critic: It wasn't fair calling that slop linguini with clam sauce.

Joey: You got a real way with words, asshole.

[Joey takes a pan.]

Critic: Hold on, you can't do this!

Joey: Change of plans. You are writin' a review, a five-star rave.

Critic: I can't do that, the best is four.

Joey: You want me to keep going, is that it?

Critic: Five! It'll be five-star! All right?

Joey: And say something nice about Artie. Man works his ass off. (to Chief) Tell Artie there's no problem. The guy loved everything.

Chief: God bless you.


Joey: Hey, Tone, fellas, mission accomplished.

Vito: So, what happened with your girlfriend?

Joey: I got her out. Thanks for all your help.

Tony: So, who's the lucky lady?

Vito: Some broad from the porn place.

Christopher: Brave man, banging one of those disease carriers.

Joey: Hey, match your fucking mouth.

Tony: Whoa! Listen to him!

Vito: Oh, the balls on this kid!

Paulie: Careful there, kid.

Christopher: You light a match and think you can sit with us and fucking talk back to ME?

Joey: (neutral answer) I never said that.

Tony: Very diplomatic. You musta scared him.

Christopher: I'm still waiting for an apology.

Joey: (neutral answer) What you said was over the line.

Christopher: She's a PORN STAR. There is no line.

Tony: You walked into that one, Joey.

Joey: (answering his phone) Hello?

AJ: Hey, it's A.J. I'm freaked. I think Desmond and the Dreads are following me.

Joey: Where are you? Your dad's right here...

AJ: Joey, you gotta come get me. I'll be in the gym, by the Juice bar.

Vito: That the girlfriend?

Vito: How'd you guess? Her folks went to sleep. I gotta go.

Christopher: Have fun with the whore.

[Joey goes to Shapiro’s Gym again in search for AJ.]

Desmond’s Thug 1: Look at this - we chase one, and then find the other. .a

Joey: Where's A.J? If you've fucked with him...

Desmond’s Thug 2: I'd be worried about your own ass, white boy.

[Joeys kicks their asses.]

Joey: Like I said - where's A.J? A.J? You in here?

AJ: Joey! Thank you, Jesus!

Joey: You all right? What happened?

AJ: I got followed and I coulda been killed. Let's split.

Desmond’s Thug 3: A.J! Desmond sends his greetings. Blood for blood.

Joey: Back the fuck up, mophead.

[Joey kicks his ass.]

Joey: It's gotten out of hand, A.J. Maybe it's time to tell your dad.

AJ: Are you out of your fuckin' mind?! He'll kill us both!

Desmond’s Thug 4: The thief! He's in the gym!

Joey: He's gonna have to get in line. C'mon, move!

[Joey grabs one of the thugs.]

Joey: I'll kill him! You think that's funny?

[Desmond grabs AJ.]

AJ: Joey!

Joey: Don't be stupid, you know whose kid that is?

AJ: Desmond, please...

Desmond: You don't let my bredren go, I'll stick him like I stuck his friend.

AJ: Let go of me! I can't breathe!

Desmond: Worthless.

[Joey kills Desmond.]

AJ: Hey, Joey. We gotta get out of here. Desmond's looking for me.

Joey: Not anymore. Can you walk?

AJ: Jeez, I'm bleeding!

Joey: You don't remember?

AJ: Look, I swear, Desmond is chasing me. I should've called you.

Joey: C'mon, let's go. You need a doctor.

Chapter 13 – FINISH HIM!Edit

[On the next day at Satreale’s]

Joey: So uhh, how's A.J, doing?

Silvio: Still at St. Vincents. Tony and Carm are with him.

Joey: Think I can visit?

Silvio: I don't know, Tony's pretty steamed.

Christopher: Why lie to him? Tony's gonna cut your dick off, sonny boy.

Vito: Look who's here. King of the Raves. That inspector won't budge. He says the meat locker ain't properly ventilated.

Christopher: So what? Dead shit don‘t breathe.

Vito: He's closing the shop 'til it's retrofitted.

Paulie: Joey, get in there. Talk to the guy. The pork store ain't closing.

[Joey enters Satreale’s]

Health Inspector: You've got three code violations in this room alone. Cockroaches, rat droppings... I'm shutting you down.

Joey: You sure this is necessary? It's a popular place – a neighborhood place.

Health Inspector: I work for the city, mister. This isn't open to discussion.

Joey: (smooth answer) How's the city payin' these days? Maybe I can do better.

Health Inspector: You want to pay me off?

Joey: (tough answer) If that's what it takes.

Health Inspector: Fine by me.

Joey: Just remembered - low on cash. Come back tomorrow.

Health Inspector: Oh yeah? Forget it. I'm closing you down.

Joey: Fuck you!

[Joey picks up a knife.]

Health Inspector: All right fine! You want to keep this germ factory open, be my guest!

Joey: Get the fuck out.

[Objective Updated]

Pussy: That inspector's right - the air in here sucks.

Joey: What do you care? You're like a dream or something, right?

Pussy: You busting my chops? After I told you not to lie to Tony?

Joey: I didn't lie to him. I just omitted part of the truth.

Pussy: Careful, kid. Meat ain't the only thing that gets chopped up around here.

[Joey exit Satreale’s.]

Paulie: Joey. Get over here. Tony wants you to visit. Go by the hos- ital first thing in the morning.

Joey: You got it, Paulie.

Paulie: Hat in hand, my friend. This whole rave bullshit - Tony is steamin'...

[Joey change his clothes and drives to the hospital.]

Nurse: May I help you?

Joey: I’m-looking for A.J. Soprano.

Nurse: Head to the elevators, make a left. It's the third door on your right.

[Joey goes to the room.]

Joey: Hey Tone, A.J... how you feeling?

AJ: Bored. The food here sucks.

Tony: Of course, he wouldn't be here except for you, smart boy.

AJ: It isn't his fault, Dad.

Tony: It’s all right, A.J. -

Tony: Shut up! When I brought you in, a lot of people said, “Don't trust the little bastard.” I rolled the dice, and now you got him throwin' dope parties and being stalked by the mulignan?

Joey: (neutral answer) I was just looking out for A.J.

Tony: While he was gettin' sliced and diced?

Joey: (neutral answer) What could I do? He asked me for help.

Tony: So you're a big fuckin' hero.

AJ: Quit yellin' at him, Dad. I can explain, all right?

Tony: NO! You're one lucky sonofabitch. If this kid had gone down, you'd be dead, junior. Now, get the fuck out of here, and get me a coffee.

Joey: Sure thing, boss.

[In the corridor while Joey buy coffee.]

Angelo: I just come from the ICU. Why's Tuzzio back in surgery?!

Dr. Adams: His concussion caused severe swelling... They're relieving the pressure.

Joey: Hello, Doc, what a surprise. Didn't expect to see you.

Dr. Adams: I know, I owe you a call. Sorry...

Joey: Where's my money?

Dr. Adams: I'll take care of it, I promise.

Angelo: (to Joey) You fuckin' ignore me, punk? After that “accident” at the porn studio?

Joey: I ain't here for you.

Dr. Adams: You know each other?

Angelo: I knew his father better. A dope-dealing rat, caught and executed by his best friends.

Joey: That's bullshit! You don't know what happened to him. No one does.

Angelo: I was wondering why you'd be doing Tony's dirty work. Now I know. You're a fucking moron.

[Dr. Adams quietly leave.]

Joey: Fuck you, I got a bill to collect. You're lucky. I got a friend to visit. But we ain't through, Joey. Not even close.

[Joey runs after Dr. Adams.]

Joey: Nitrous?

Punk: Oh, yeah, you and the Dreads... Cops showed up, I barely got out with my tank.

Joey: You mean, the hospital's tank. Nice little scam you got going.

Punk: Forget it, I ain’t cuttin’ you in.

Joey: (touth answer) How 'bout I break your fuckin' arm, then tell security, right?

Punk: So step up, motherfucker.

[Joey hits him once.]

Punk: All right! I'll pay you whatever! Just stop!

[Joey finds Dr. Adams.]

Joey: Angelo's guy, Tuzzio. He's still alive?

Dr. Adams: He's in surgery. Down in the OR.

Joey: Whatever happens, I want to know. Now, pay me my money.

Dr. Adams: I need a couple days, Joey.

Joey: You want to get hurt? Is that it?

Dr. Adams: Don't you threaten me, you punk!

[Joey hits him just once.]

Dr. Adams: Wait, please! I'll pay you.

Joey: With what?

Dr. Adams: The pharmacist downstairs, he sells me painkillers at cost. You make double, triple on the street. I'll give you the scrip. Here. Ask for Tom. We just spoke. Tell him I sent you.

Joey: If you‘re shitting me, I'll be back.

[On the first floor he sees Christopher.]

Christopher: You were already up there? I'm sorry I missed the fireworks.

Joey: A.J.'s fine, glad you're so concerned. And Tony ain't that mad. He's... coming around.

Christopher: Yeah, coming around to kick your ass. You called him at 2 a.m.? You're as dumb as your ratfink of an old man.

[Joey goes at pharmacy.]

Doctor: We're closed. Come back later.

Joey: I'm here for Tom.

Doctor: Is he expecting you?

Joey: Just tell me where he is.

Doctor: You should have left when you could.

[After the fight a black man in street clothes goes out.]

Black man: Can I help you?

Joey: Not unless you're the pharmacist.

Black man: Do I look like one?

Joey: What's going on? What is this?

Black man: A robbery, dumb shit! Sit down and shut up.

Joey: I ain't doing a fucking thing.

[He kicks his ass.]

Joey: You must be the pharmacist.

Pharmacist: How'd you get in here? We're not even open.

Joey: Sorry to interrupt. Didn't realize you were enjoying this.

Pharmacist: I'm not! I'm just... surprised. You alone?

Joey: Relax, I took care of them.

[The pharmacist injects Joey something.]

Pharmacist: Who told you about this, huh?

Joey: Jesus! What are you doing! Dr. Adams sent me.

Pharmacist: I'm not cutting either one of you in. This is my scam!

Joey: What the fuck was in that needle? I can't see straight! (groans) My fuckin' head!

Joey: (answering his phone) Who's this?

Dr. Adams: It's Dr. Adams. You wanted to know about Mr. Tuzzio -

Joey: That pharmacist, he stuck me with a fucking horse needle! Did you set me up, you sonofabitch -

Dr. Adams: No, Joey! I'll be right there. Please. Meet me by the elevators.

[In corridor.]

Nurse: You okay, buddy?

Joey: The pharm... pharmacist.

Nurse: Uh, oh. Looks like someone found the meds. C'mon, let's find a doctor.

Joey: Get offa me!

Christopher: Joey! What happened?

Nurse: Your friend overdosed. I'm taking him to the ER.

Christopher: I'll take him.

Nurse: Fine with me, asshole.

Christopher: Hey, you think I won't hit a nurse?

Joey: Fuck you! I'm a “clinical partner.”

Christopher: That's even worse! Feel free to join in, LaRocca. This finook went to boxing school!

Nurse: Don't! No! Please, I'm sorry!

Christopher: (pull out a gun) See how it works when you're one of us? Someone's always got your back. (point his gun at Joey) Course, you ain't ever gonna be one of us. Nice try, kid. This is direct from Tony.

[Christopher shoots.]

Dr. Adams: Joey! Wake up!

Joey: No! Christopher, please -

Dr. Adams: Joey, it's me. You were hallucinating. I got good news. Mr. Tuzzio's gonna be all right.

Joey: Then I need to go see him.

Dr. Adams: He's in the ICU, doctors only. You need a pass.

Joey: And you got one, right?

Dr. Adams: Shit.

[In the ICU.]

Joey: How's he doing?

Nurse: Better than you'd think. I hear he fell off a four-story building... After he got shot. Looks like they're almost done.

Angelo’s Thug: (looks at Joey) One of Tony Soprano's guys.

Joey: You better go.

Nurse: The procedure's not over.

Joey: The patient's connected. You know what that means? Do yourself a favor.

Nurse: Maybe I will go.

Angelo’s Thug: Get the hell out, LaRocca.

Joey: Look at you two. Students of science... who'd a guessed?

Angelo’s Thug 2: That kid was right! Look at this finook!

Joey: Oh good. Two more for the ER.

Angelo’s Thug 2: Fucking smart ass.

[Meanwhile in the operation room...]

Doctor: That's it, were closed. Nice work, people. Let's get him into the ICU for recovery.

[In corridor.]

Angelo’s Thug 3: You don't understand. He can't be left alone.

Doctor: Sorry. Only immediate family are allowed in during recovery.

Angelo’s Thug 4: We're his cousins.

Doctor: Fine. But only one relative at a time. Doctor's orders.

Angelo’s Thug 3: Stay with Tuzzio. I'll take a walk around the floor.

[Joey enters.]

Angelo’s Thug 4: Hey! Get out!

Joey: Let's try this one more time. (Joey destroy the life support) Fuckin' machine!

[Tuzzio is dead.]

Christopher: Where were you? Tony wanted coffee, I had to fucking get it. That's not right.

Joey: Something came up.

Christopher: You fucking bum. You know who's still alive, according to Angie? Tuzzio!

Joey: Not anymore. I just unplugged him.


Angie: Well, the doctors say Tuzzio's gonna be all right.

Tony: Thanks for the update. You done?

Angie: We both have reasons to be upset, Tony. You know how much I made off that studio?

Tony: You think I care? You take that degenerate crap back to

Angie: I come to make peace and you insult me? (Swearing in Italian)

Tony: Insult you?! Your twins carjack my son - my own flesh and blood? And where's the fucking S.U.V.? You know what, forget it. Go fuck yourself, Angie!

Chapter 14 – ENDINGEdit

[Back at Bada Bing.]

Joey: (on the phone) Hi. You've reached Trishelle. Leave your name and number, and I hope we speak soon. (beep) Hey, what happened? We were having dinner tonight. Call me.

[At Tony’s office.]

Silvio: Closing time already. I'm gonna check the take.

Tony: I talked with A.J, after me got home. He says you saved his life and the whole mess was his, not yours.

Joey: We were in it together. I'm sorry, Tony. I shoulda come right to you.

Tony: He says he asked you not to, and that you were keeping your word and not rattin' him out. If I wasn't pissed off, I'd be impressed.

Joey: I won't fuck up again, Tony, I swear.

Tony: Well, you ain't gonna get the chance for a long time.

Neil: Tony, am I interrupting? We need to talk.

Tony: Then see my secretary.

Neil: This mess with Angelo - he's a client, that's all.

Tony: I said not now, you fucking addict!

Neil: Addict? Well not technically. I'm called a "recurring abuser

Tony: (hits him with a bottle of whiskey) You fucking cafone! I take that back - here's your chance. Deal with this prick.

[Joey beats Neil up.]

Neil: You're making a big mistake...

Tony: You can't serve two masters, Neil.

Neil: Tony, please, let me explain...

Tony: You have become a fuckin' liability. You got something to say now?

Silvio: Excuse me, T. It's important.

Tony: Jesus Christ, Sil. I'm in a meeting!

Joey: Tony! He's gone.

Silvio: Guess the meetin's over. Oh yeah. Angelo just returned your car.

[Tony and his crew comes at the back of Bada Bing and sees Tony’s SUV destroed.]

Tony: First this strunz harasses my kid, then plans a dope run on my docks, then this shit? He's a dead man.

Christopher: Just say the word, T.

Joey: That thing at the docks. It's tonight.

Trishelle: (from the car) Joey?

Joey: What the fuck?

Trishelle: Louis... and Angie, too. Said it was... like payback. Then Louis and another guy...

Joey: Son of a fucking bitch. I'll kill 'em both!

Tony: Well, someone's gonna have to.

Christopher: Not Joey. Those two were putting people under when he was jerking off in gym class.

Joey: Nobody fucking asked you!

[At the docks.]

Worker: Hey, this is restricted area. Can I help you?

Joey: Yeah, you can open the gate.

Worker: Who's asking?

Joey: (smooth answer) A fuckin' idiot... Angie sent me out, I got all turned around.

Worker: You’re with Buscetta? Why didn’t you say so?

Joey: (smooth answer) Keep it down, huh? The guys'll bust my balls for this.

Worker: Relax, you're home free now.

Angie’s Thug: Hey, there he is.

[Worker hits Joey in the head with baseball bat.]

Angie’s Thug: (on the phone) Hey Louis, tell Angie we found him, just like Christopher said. Gimme his piece.

Angie’s Thug 2: You're gonna kill him?!

Angie’s Thug: I'm waiting to hear. We'll know any minute. Just give me the gun.

Angie’s Thug 2: Take it. I'm not killing anybody.

[Joey loose up the ties and kill the guards.]

Angie’s Thug 3: That's the guy! Get him! There he is.

Joey: Bout fucking time.

Guard: You again! You gotta get outta here! Angelo Buscetta's looking for you.

Joey: And I'm looking for him. Let me in.

Guard: You fucking crazy, kid?

Joey: (smooth answer) Relax. This ain't your problem.

Guard: I let you in, it is.

Joey: (smooth answer) A hundred bucks make it easier?

Guard: All right, fine. Careful - there's a guard in the can.

[Joey knock at the can.]

Joey: Anyone there?

Guard 2: Yeah, and it's gonna be awhile.

Joey: (smooth answer) Sorry to bother you. I gotta get in that gate.

Guard 2: And I gotta lay a log! So get lost!

Joey: (tough answer) Pull up your pants and open the fucking door!

Guard 2: Why don't you come in and help me, sweetheart? (Joey drop the can) Sonofabitch!

Joey: You wanna live? Open that gate. And one more thing - where's Angelo Buscetta?

Guard 2: You fucking sicko! I'm done talking.

Joey: (dip his head in shit) Where's Angelo?

Guard 2: He's on the ship. That's all I know.

[Joey board the Fat Bottomed Girl.]

Angelo: Any trouble with customs?

Captain: Not these days. They're worried about terrorism, not cocaine. What about your end? You got my money?

Angelo: You want to get paid right here?

Captain: Come on, let's go inside.

[Joey go looking for the captain.]

Angelo’s Thug: All secure, Charlie, tight as a drum. Lift it any time.

Worker: Whoa! Hold it. No civilians on deck.

Joey: Just passing through, guys.

Angelo’s Thug: Not this way, you're not.

[Joey beats the shit out of them.]

Captain: Come back later. You'll get your cut.

Joey: If that's Angie's money, I'm taking it.

Captain: You tell Angelo he ain't getting away with this.

Joey: I'm not with him.

Captain: I ain't stupid, you cheap guinea hood.

Joey: Believe what you want. Just give me the fucking money.

[He smack him couple of times.]

Joey: Pleasure doing business, Captain.

[Objective Updated]

Angelo: He disappeared? Frank said they caught him!

Bruno: The container's empty. But some guys in the yard say he headed this may.

Angelo: Forget him! Louis's nearly done loading up. I gotta get down to the warehouse.

Bruno: Angelo, please. I owe that cocksucker.

Angelo: You got five minutes. After that, find your own way home.

Angelo’s Thug: Bruno! That's him.

Bruno: My brother says hello... From his fucking wheelchair!

[Joey shoot them down.]

Worker: You must be one of Buscetta's guys. You definitely ain't a sailor.

Bruno: Thought I was blending right in. What gave me away?

Worker: The shoes.

Angelo’s Thug: I see him! The guy who jacked the captain - he's getting away!

Worker: What happened back there?

Joey: Move.

Worker: I got him, fellas!

Joey: Time to get the fuck out of here.

Angelo’s Thug: (on the phone) Don't bitch! Louis told me I had to work. We're almost done. I'll be home soon.

[Joey continue to follow Buscetta.]

Louis: Gino! Block him in! Close the door! And somebody, please! Finish this fuck off!

Joey: All right, Louis, you motherfucker. Here I come.

[Behind the fence.]

Captain: We had a deal!

Angelo: I ain't paying you twice. I didn't take your money.

Captain: But one of your guys did! You're not leaving till I get paid.

Angelo: Kiss my ass.

[Joey jumps the fence.]

Louis: Boss! Let's go!

[Angelo and Louis runs away.]

Angelo: No one gets through!

Angelo’s Thug: Turn around, pal.

Joey: You first.

[Joey goes to kill Louis the Bat.]

Louis: You like playing with fire, Joey? Now it's my turn.

[He throws some gasoline and set the pierce on fire.]

Joey: I'm getting Angie.

Angelo: (from a yacht) Your puttana friend, how's she looking these days?

Joey: Better than your nephew did... when I dumped him off the pier, you cunt!

Angelo: You killed my favorite nephew! You're a dead man, you sack of shit. Annihilate him.

[Louis ran in and hits Joey with a bat. The battle on a yacht begins.]

Angelo: Figilo de puttana! You son of a whore! Time to meet Pussy the Rat-Dad.

[Joey kill Louis and go to Buschetta.]

Angelo: Guess I have to do this myself.

Angelo: You miss Mario? You'll meet up with him any minute.

Angelo: Fuckin' cafone! That kid was my blood.

Joey: You're an old man, Angie.

Angelo: Hey, I ain't your enemy. You oughta go after Tony – he killed your father! You can't kill me! You're a punk! Big Pussy's bastard kid? You ain't nobody!

Joey: I'm Joey LaRocca. Hear that? JOEY LA ROCCA. The last name you're ever gonna hear.

[He drowns Angelo in the water.]

[Next scene. Satreale’s. Everione is here and wearing suits.]

Tony: You ready?

Joey: Tony, if it's okay, there's something I gotta ask.

Tony: Give it a minute. Let the guys say hello.

Christopher: I heard you had some trouble at the docks. Nearly got jumped.

Joey: Nothing I couldn't handle.

Christopher: Beginner's luck, believe you me.

Vito: Congratulations. You earned this.

Joey: You mean I don't need to stand out there like a tin soldier no more?

Vito: Yeah, now you can kick the ass of the next kid in line.

Silvio: That Trishelle's a good kid. Hold onto that one.

Joey: I'm planning on it.

Paulie: Don't go getting a smelled head after all this. You still work for me, bright boy.

Joey: You mean I still gotta keep cleanin' up your messes?

Paulie: Abso-fucking- lutely.

Joey: I gotta ask you, Tone. About my father...

Tony: I was thinking about him too. What he'd think, seeing you here.

Joey: Is he really dead like, you know, some people think?

Tony: He took a fuckin' oath - the same one you're about to take. And then he violated that oath. End of story.

Joey: I just thought that maybe, you know, he had no good choices, no way out, you know? Or something.

Tony: Let it go, kid. I know you ain't your father... Oh, one more thing.

[He gave Joey Angelo’s watch.]

Joey: Look, there's no names on the back now. Those people are long gone, thanks to you. So, this is yours. See you inside.

Pussy: Hey, Joey. I'm happy for you, son. In fact, I'm proud as a fuck.

Joey: It's too bad you can't be here.

Pussy: Hey, I had my run. Now it's your turn.

Joey: So, me working for Tony... You don't mind?

Pussy: Hey, I wish things were different, but you working with my best friends on Earth? It's like a fuckin' dream come true.

Joey: I thought you might be bitter.

Pussy: Bitter? Nah. Just forget about it. Go enjoy yourself.

Tony: Hey, Joey! How long we gotta wait?

[Joey gets made.]

Tony: Do you know that this family of ours is a secret society?

Joey: Yes, I do.

Tony: And would you give up anything for this thing of ours, this cosa nostra.

Joey: Yes, I will.

Tony: Which finger is your trigger finger?

[He cuts the finger, takes the saint card, smears it in Joey’s blood and ignites it.]

Paulie: You must never betray our secrets.

Silvio: If the boss sends for you, you go, no matter what.

Vito: You can never break the circle.

Christopher: You can never raise your hand against another member. All these things mean death.

Joey: If I violate this code, may my soul burn in hell.

Tony: [speaking Italian] (You are born today. Any grievances you have, as of today, are over with.) Do you understand?

Joey: Yes.

Tony: Welcome to the family.

Joey: Finally!

Silvio: About fucking time.

Joey: Thanks, T.

Christopher: Maybe T wasn't wrong after all.

Tony: Whoa! Listen to him!

Paulie: Paisan. Well done.


More scripts about crime and mafia:
Kane & Lynch: Dead Men
Mafia II

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