[The game starts with an epic dark fantasy movie-style cutscene and Cartman's voiceover.]
Robert T. Pooner
A Pooner Pictures Production
Cartman: Deep in the lands of Zaron, the humans of Kupa Keep struggle to stay alive as they are attacked by the wicked Drow Elves of Larnion. Darkness falls as the humans beg their King to save them. A noble King, known only as the Grand Wizard. For a thousand years the battle has been waged, with only the bravery of the Grand Wizard to protect his human followers. But even though the Wizard King is so undeniably cool, the Draw Elf armies continue their attacks. They seek the human's most treasured relic - the Stick of Truth. But the tides of war are soon to change, as news of a "new" kid spreads throughout the land. In order to save the humans, the Grand Wizard must get to the new kid before the draw elves can manipulate his mind and USE him, to take the sacred relic from human hands. For whoever controls the Stick... controls the universe...
[We're starting our journey through the most famous small town in Colorado as a newcomer to the city. Our parents are moving into a new home.]
Dad: Well, I think that's everything.
Mom: We did it, hon, we're really moved in!
Dad: It's a new beginning for us. Things are finally going to be good!
Mom: Do you really think it will be better for... him?
Dad: They won't look for him here. We just need to make sure he doesn't attract any attention. Come on, let's see how he's doing.
Mom: Sweetie? Hon, you all dressed?
Dad: Hey, champ. How do you like your new room?! I know it's a big change for all of us, but... son, do you REMEMBER why we moved to this quiet little mountain town?
Dad: He doesn’t remember.
Mom: He doesn't remember at all.
Dad: That's good. That's good he doesn't remember.
Mom: Uh, sweetie, we want you to have lots of fun here. Why don't you go out and make some friends?
Dad: Right, get outside and PLAY, son. Like... like normal kids.
Mom: We've got some money for you on the kitchen counter, sweetie. Just... be back before it gets dark.
Dad: Yeah, we love you, too.
[You going to the kitchen.]
Mom: You are THIS close to a time out. Go on outside, sweetie.
[You kick your mom.]
Mom: That isn't nice, sweetie.
Dad: C'mon, son. Get out there. Make friends. It wasn’t a REQUEST, it was a COMMAND. Now get out there and MAKE SOME FRIENDS!
[You keep hanging around the house.]
Dad: Will you go out and be a kid for Christ's sake?!
[When you go outside, you see a little boy. He's fighting with another boy with sword.]
Butters: You shall die by my warhammer, drow elf!
Elf: Nuh uh!
Butters: I banish thee to the forest realm!
Elf: No way, I banished you first! Ha ha! You can't hold out much longer.
Butters: HELP! SOMEBODY!!! I can't hold out much longer!!! HEEEELLLLPPP!
[You punch the elf in the face with your fist.]
Elf: Hey, no fan. That's cheating. I'm going to go tell my mom.
Butters: Thanks, kid. I didn't realize he had a health potion. My- my name is Butters the Merciful. I'm a paladin. I live right next door to you! We should be friends!
[You're making your first friend!]
Butters: Now that we're friends, you should speak with the Wizard King! He's been talking about your arrival! The wizard lives this way. In the green house, over there. Hey, where are you from?
[You're not answering.]
Butters: Where'd you live before moving here?
[You decide to keep your mouth shut again. Soon you come to Cartman's house.]
Butters: All hail the Grand Wizard!
Cartman: So, you are the New Kid. Your coming was foretold by Coldwell Banker. I am the Wizard King. But the time for talk is not nigh. Let me show you my kingdom.
Mrs. Cartman: Oh who's your new friend, Eric?
Cartman: Shut up mom, not now. Don't talk to her, she's not part of the game. Welcome... to the Kingdom of Kupa Keep! Our weapon shop here is tended by Clyde, a level 14 warrior. Here you can see our massive stables. Overseen by the level 9 ranger... Scott Malkinson, who has the power of diabetes. And here, of course, is the breathtaking and lovely Princess Kenny. The fairest maiden in all the kingdom. Don't ask why Kenny wanted to be a chick, it's just how he seems to be rolling right now...
Kenny: Mm mrm mrmphm mrm mm mrmmm mrrm!
Butters: As Court Paladin, my job is to deliver the Wizard King's justice. And his mail.
Clyde: You may have heard of my deeds at the Battle of Stark's Pond.
Scott Malkinson: My loyalty is as incurable as my diabetes.
Cartman: Be careful, the Rock of Insanity holds mysterious powers! Kay. You're insane now. If you want to be healed, you must gaze at the Rock. Kay. You're healed. You have been sought out. New Kid, because humans everywhere are in great danger. I need something from you and, in return, I am prepared to allow you into my kingdom. I know you are very excited. It's time for your first quest, but first - please tell us thy name.
[You type your name.]
Cartman: You entered "Douchebag." Is that correct?
[You say "No".]
Cartman: Are you sure you want to keep the name "Douchebag"?
[You say, "No," again.]
Cartman: Very well, Douchebag. You will now choose a class: Fighter, Mage, Thief, or Jew.
[You choose Mage...]
Cartman: A mage is like a wizard only not as cool.
[You choose Thief...]
Cartman: A white thief? Never heard of one, but interesting… You look sneaky enough to be a thief.
[You choose Jew...]
Cartman: Jew, huh? So I guess we'll never really be friends.
[You choose Fighter...]
Cartman: A fighter has courage, honor and the ability to kick fucking ass.
[In the end, you decide to become a thief.]
Cartman: We welcome to our kingdom Douchebag the Thief!
Cartman: Now, please go and visit the weapons shop. Procure yourself a weapon and we shall teach you to fight!
Clyde: Would you like to see my wares, weary traveler? Perhaps you would like to hear tips and rumors for two dollars? Ahh, a lovely purchase.
[You purchase your first weapon.]
Clyde: Would you like to see my wares, weary traveler? Perhaps you would like to hear tips and rumors for two dollars? (you pay ) Don't waste your money on tips and rumors.
Cartman: Ah! You have procured a weapon. Nice. It is now time to teach you how to fight. I want you to take your new weapon, and, with the bravery of a noble knight beat up Clyde.
Cartman: Kick Clyde's ass, New Kid.
Clyde: What'd I do?!
Cartman: I'm the KING. Clyde, and the King wishes to be amused. Go on, New Kid, kick his ass.
Clyde: I'm gonna kick your ass!
Cartman: Clyde, you have to wait your turn!
Clyde: That's lame.
Cartman: No, Clyde, it's like olden times. You have to wait your turn. Like in the Middle Ages, Clyde! I know it's lame, Clyde, but that’s how we're fucking doing it! All right, Douchebag, bash Clyde's face in! Don't be shy.
Clyde: Suck it!
[Clyde's getting into a defensive position. You attack three times and deal several damage points.]
Cartman: Oh hell yeah! Clyde's your bitch! All right, Clyde's wearing armor. In order to hurt him, I want you to hit Clyde as hard as you can. Oh shit, dude, I think I see blood! Fucking nice, brah! That's exactly what you do to guys with armor like that. Okay, listen up. The key to surviving in battle is not get hit in the balls. Clyde, it's your turn to attack. Douchebag, protect your balls!
[Now it's your turn to defend yourself.]
Clyde: Prepare yourself!
Cartman: YES!! That's what I'm talking about. Dude, you're already WAY better than Clyde. Blocking reduces some - though not all - damage from an attack. All right. It is time to use your heroic powers. Using your abilities takes power points, or PP for short.
Clyde: [chuckles] PP...
Cartman: IF YOU HAVE A FUCKING BETTER NAME FOR THEM THEN FUCKING SAY IT, CLYDE! FUCKING ASSHOLE! I'M THE KING. AND I SAY IT'S PP. Douchebag, use your thief ability to make Clyde pay for insulting the king!
[You attack Clyde from behind and bleed him.]
Cartman: Way to wipe that smile off his stupid face, Douchebag. Now... do it one more time. Finish him!
Clyde: What? I was going easy. Take this!
[You beat Clyde and make him cry.]
Cartman: Ha ha haaa! Dude that was awesome! You were all like BRAMMGMG! And Clyde was all like 'AHGHG NOO!!' Ha ha ahaaa!! Okay, okay. You've proved yourself worthy, Douchebag. Now, come inside the war tent and I shall let you see the relic. Well, here it is. The reason why humans and elves are locked in a never ending war. The relic for which human and elf are willing to die... The Stick of Truth. Just two days ago, we took the Stick back from the elves. Our kingdom was dying, but now it thrives. For whoever controls the Stick, controls the universe. Don't gaze at it too long! For its power is too much for mere mortals to look at. Now that you have seen the Stick of Truth, let's discuss your dues. Being a member of my kingdom costs nine ninety five for the first week, four dollars of which is tax deductible-
Butters: ALARM!!! ALARM!! ALARM!!!
Cartman: Someone has sounded the alarm!
Butters: Alarm! Alarm! Alarm!
Cartman: What is it?
Butters: The elves are attacking!
Cartman: Oh my God! Defense positions! Man the gate! Don't let them through!
Chris Donnely: Give us the Stick, humans!
Cartman: Fuck you, drow elf! Come and get it! CLYDE! GUARD THE STICK OF TRUTH WHILE WE DEFEND THE FORTRESS!
Clyde: Aye, aye!
Cartman: "Aye, aye"? We're not playing PIRATES, Clyde!! Douchebag, this is your chance to prove yourself. HOLD OFF THE ASSHOLE ELVES AT ALL COSTS!
Elf: Die, asshole!
Cartman: Do it, Douchebag! Kick these elves' asses!
Elf: Eat shit!
Cartman: You're wounded, Douchebag! Potions will heal you! Here!
[You use the healing potion that turns out to be a bag of chips.]
Cartman: The rules say you can have one potion every turn. I asked for five but this was the compromise. This guy's fast, Douchebag. Try to block all his attacks. Okay, if you block all the attacks you get a counterattack. Look at your enemy on the ground, weak and helpless. KICK THE SHIT OUT OF HIM! Awesome! You kicked his helpless ass. Now finish off these elves in the name of the Wizard King.
[You defeat all the elf attackers.]
Cartman: Great job, Douchebag!
Cartman: Butters! BUTTERS! You're LOSING! STOP LOSING!
Butters: But I don't wanna make 'em feel bad!
Cartman: You got this, Douchebag!
Elf: Eat shit!
Cartman: What are you waiting for, Douchebag? That guy's just standing there. Go kick his ass!
[You attack the elf with your dagger.]
Cartman: Hahaha! Aw, man, he was totally waiting for you, dude. You can't just hit him like that.
[You try to attack, but the elf repulses it.]
Cartman: You need to try a different tactic to damage him. Look at that archer, hiding behind his friend like a wuss. Switch to your arrows, Douchebag. Snipe that little bitch.
[You take out the bow and arrows.]
Cartman: Sweet, now you can hit the guy in back. Go for the pink mist! Yeah, bitch! That's what you get for fucking with the Wizard King.
Elf: This sucks.
Cartman: Careful, Douchebag! That guy's ready for your arrows now. You gotta try something else.
[You attack the elf several times with your dagger.]
Elf: Oh, it's on!
[After that, you kill the elf with a stab in the back.]
Cartman: Great job, Douchebag!
Cartman: Kick their asses, New Kid! I’ve got your back!
Butters: Jesus Christ!
Cartman: Let's do this, Douchebag. Okay, that guy has a shield. Shields are super weak. Just hit them with your simplest hit over and over to wear them down quickly. Shields completely block a number of hits. Use normal attacks - or abilities that deal a lot of hits - against them.
[You smash the shield with a few dagger blows.]
Elf: Oh, shut down.
Cartman: Well yeah, that's how you do it. The other elf let his guard down! Now's your chance. Power Attack his armor! Armor reduces damage from each hit. Use power attacks - or abilities that deal a single large hit - against armor.
[You're hitting the elf hard.]
Cartman: That’s it! Now, finish him! Now!
[And now all the elves have been defeated.]
Chris Donnely: DROW ELVES! FALL BACK! FALL BACK I SAY!
Cartman: YES! Awesome, dude! TAKE THAT, YOU ASSHOLE ELVES! Better luck next time! HA HA HA HAAAA HA! WE STILL CONTROL THE UNIVERSE! HA HA HA HA HAHA!
Clyde: It's gone.
Clyde: The Stick of Truth. The elves got it.
Cartman: THAT WAS YOUR ONE GOD DAMNED JOB CLYDE!! TO GUARD THE STICK OF FUCKING TRUTH!
Cartman: Clyde... you are hereby BANISHED FROM SPACE AND TIME!
Clyde: What?! NO! You can't do that!
Cartman: Yeah I can! You're banished and lost in time and space!
Butters: Yeah! Go home, Clyde!
Cartman: You fought bravely on the battlefield, Douchebag.
Scott Malkinson: Yeah, this New Kid may be a douchebag, but he sure can fight!
Cartman: Shut up, Scott, nobody cares what you think. Anyways, we have a bigger problem now! The Stick of Truth has been stolen, and we must assemble our ENTIRE army in order to get it back.
Butters: But our three best warriors still haven't reported for duty, my king!
Cartman: Our newest member can take care of that! Douchebag. I want you to go out into the neighborhood and find my greatest warriors. Token, Tweek and Craig. I am texting their pictures to your personal inventory device now... But beware... the lands outside are full of marauding drow elves, monsters and sixth graders. Be sure you are well equipped. Now go! And send my warriors here! Butters, go with him.
Butters: What, y-you want me to fight With you?! OKAY! This paladin is ready to kick some ass!
[You and Butters go out in the kitchen.]
Mrs. Cartman: You kids be careful, now.
[You go up to Eric's room on the second floor.]
Butters: Uh, this is the King’s room! I don't think we're supposed to be in here. The King has a lot of cool stuff.
[You go to Eric's Mom's bedroom...]
Butters: This is where the magic happens... Last week Cartman's Mom was here with a few men having a whole lot of magic. She was doing hand magic and butt magic...
[You go to the bathroom...]
Butters: This is where Cartman does magic. Smells like the wizard is brewing some potion in here. Some wizard's stew. Looks like he forgot to flush that stew... If it splashes, it means you get a free wish.
[After taking some magic shit out of the bathroom and Mrs. Cartman's pants, you go outside.]
Butters: We aren't allowed to go in the street. It's such an open world, our parents don't want us getting hurt!
Dougie: The Wizard-King says I'm too ginger to be one of the humans, but Paladin Butters lets me be his squire on the sly.
Butters: Paladins seek justice for all races!
[You go into Butters' house.]
Butters: Behold! The residence of Butters the Merciful!
Mrs. Stotch: Butters really is a very sweet boy. I hope you'll try to treat him as you would a normal child.
Mr. Stotch: Ah! This must be the new kid. You Facebook message me right away if Butters does something he should be grounded for.
Butters: Welcome to MY room. Those are my minions. They help me punish society.
[You're going outside and enter your own house.]
Dad: You can't expect me to pat you on the back just because you've made a few friends. As soon as you have a LOT of friends, then I'll be proud.
Mom: Oh, you've made friends! I'll be your friend, too, sweetie. It'll make you look popular.
[To move around the city quickly, you decide to use a horse-drawn carriage, which is played by Timmy - a small cart is attached to his wheelchair.]
[You are suddenly attacked by several elves.]
Elf: These lands hold many dangers, New Kid!
Elf: Yeah, you moved to the wrong realm!
Elf: Nice hair, douchebag.
Elf: Feel my wrath!
Butters: You're hurt! This looks like a job for Paladin Butters! Yeah, that's it, little buddy. Hoo, I'm beat. I better wait a turn before I do any more healing. Take that! Hey look, you're bleeding! It looks bad. Here, take some of this magic cure potion! Make sure you always carry a few potions. Just don't get grounded for raiding, the apothecary's pantry like I did.
Elf: Oh, shut down.
Elf: Ah! Motherfucker.
Butters: Keep tryin'! I'm rubber, you're glue. By the hammer of Butters! I just... was seeing if it works! Jeez! We usually win.
Kelly R: Sorry, but we can't be friends until you have more friends.
Kelly Gardner: I'm actually faster at Facebook messaging than I am at speaking. Here, this'll just go a lot faster if I friend you.
Butters: Sure is a lot of walkin'.
Pete Melman: Are you new? Hey, that means you don't know anything about me, huh?
[You fart at some boy.]
Boy: Dude, did you shit your pants?
Craig's Dad: Ya lookin' for Craig? Well, he can't play. He's in detention. Something about flippin' off the principal.
Butters: We better get to the other guys first!
Elf: Quit it!
Butters: Fellas! We can work this out!
Elf: Ow, Jeez!
Butters: En garde!
Elf: Ah! Motherfucker.
Elf: You'll pay for that!
Butters: You're straight trippin', son.
Elf: Oh, it's on!
Butters: Feel my righteous fury!
Butters: I'm a lot more experienced now!
[You enters Kevin Stoley’s house.]
Kevin: Greetings, human. While I would prefer to explore strange worlds with you, it is illogical to abandon the bridge until the captain returns. The captain is my mom. I can't go outside when she's not home. But the Federation has an urgent mission for you. A tricorder was left behind on the frozen planet of Hoth. Only it's not a tricorder, it's my dad's iPad 2.
Butters: Stinky mo-minky! One time I got the worst snuggie behind that building over there. It sucked.
Elf: I'm gonna beat the shit out of you.
Elf: You want some of this?!
Butters: No, no, no, no, no! That wasn't so bad.
Elf: Stop dicking around!
Butters: By the hammer of Butters! That was the most perfect throw I've ever seen! Whew! I'm rubber, you're glue. I got your back, yo. Forgive me... Douchebag...
Elf: Fuck off.
Elf: You call that a fight?
Man: What's wrong with your nose?
Butters: You know you can die from a titty twister?
Priest Maxi: Oh what sad times these are when the nation's youth run around in dungeon clothes playing the games of Satan. Young man, if you really want power there is only one thing you must do. Find Jesus. Find him, and when you do, return to me...
Butters: This is where Jimmy gave me a noogie one time.
Girl: You're weird.
Butters: Why can't you just leave us alone? En garde!
Elf: I'm telling.
Butters: No, no, no, no, no! Eye for an eye!
Elf: That didn't count!
Butters: I shall smite thee! I really feel sad for 'em.
[You go into the church. Jesus hiding behind the pews and laughing.]
Jesus: Tee hee hee hee! You found me! Tee hee hee! Next time finding me won't be so easy!
You Found Jesus!
Elf: Oh, it's on!
Butters: Well, what if we just make friends instead?
Elf: Stop it!
Elf: Ah! Motherfucker.
Butters: No, no, no, no, no! I hope we didn't hurt you too bad.
Police Officer: We've been getting reports of a bunny rabbit running around people's yards. I'm gonna check it out.
Priest Maxi: Do not despair, for many find Jesus only to lose Him later. But the soul that does not abandon its search will surely be rewarded with His company. Remember that.
Annie: Give it back! Give it back!
Girl: Why don’t you make us?
Annie: That's My Justin Bieber toy!
Girl: Not anymore, it's not! Aw, did baby lose her toy? Who is this? Beat it, kid, if you know what's good for you.
Butters: Fellas! We can work this out! Hey, bad guy! Oh boy! Oh boy!
Girl: You like beating up on girls?!
Annie: Oh, I hope they didn't break it. Oh whew. Hey thanks.... I owe you one, kid.
[You enter City Hall and fart at Mayor’s office.]
Mayor McDaniels: That's no way to get popular. Hey, kid, maybe you can help us with something. All these homeless people in South Park are making us look like a cold and heartless town. If you could go and beat the crap out of all the bums and vagrants, they'll leave town and it'll restore South Park's reputation as a compassionate community. You gotta get every single one of those bastards, okay? Chop chop!