[Lo Wang driving his Porsche and gets a call. The Touch by Stan Bush is playing on the background.]
Lo Wang: You've got Wang.
Mamushi Heika: Mr. Wang. Its getting late.
Lo Wang: I said I'd have it to you by 5:30, It’s not even 4.
Mamushi Heika: You have been chosen for this job specifically. Keeping it secure in transit may be… challenging. Also, be aware that the Temple of Longing has been... occupied of late…
[Tons of demons arouse in the forest along the road.]
Mamushi Heika: You want me to pick up extra balloons too? I know how Yakuza get if everyone doesn’t get a baloon. Good day, Mr. Wang.
[The demons attacks Wang’s car.]
[Lo Wang crashes. He takes booze (some sake apparently), his sword and steps out to the path of vengeance. After a pile of dead bodies he find some red glowing stone...]
Lo Wang: Oh, how nice, for me?
[A mighty demon coming out of nowhere.]
Lo Wang: Fuck off! I hate it when the do that! Come here, you pussies! There's nothing like a fresh clip. Oh, yeah! (singing) Cutting up thugs with their faces so ugly. Stomping on demons who aren’t all that snuggly. Shooting at nightmares that fly with their wings. These are 2 few of my favorite things! Fuck my life… fuck my life… fuck my life… fuck my life… Oh, hey you guys, you need directions? Just take a sharp left through my sword and keep on going. Nice work! You deserve a hand for that. Oh look! Here’s one someone's not using any more.
[He walks to massive Asian style palace with tons of guards wearing black suits.]
Lo Wang: Mamushi Heika may be a cold blooded sociopathic mob boss, but she knows how to decorate. Hello? Hello! Geez is this a party or was there a toxic spill?
Mamushi Heika: Where’s been an accident, Mr. Wang.
Lo Wang: Smith? What are you doing here? You work for this bi... nice lady, too?
Smith: I am in no one’s employ but my own.
Mamushi Heika: You two know each other?
Lo Wang: Smith is my mechanic. Fixed my car a few... dozen times.
Smith: I am here on personal business. Kamiko has gone missing.
Lo Wang: The birthday girl? Does that mean no cake?
Mamushi Heika: It’s going to mean no balls for you If you don't shut your yammering mouth.
Lo Wang: Oh... I see what s going on. The big boss’ daughter got lost on your watch. Do I smell a beheading? More importantly, do you think they’ll sell tickets?
Smith: I’m afraid the situation is quite serious. For some time, she has been worried that Zilla has found her out. And today she was due at my garage at 4. She is never late.
Lo Wang: Whoah, whoa, whoa, rewind. Zilla? Orochi Zilla?
Mamushi Heika: Yes. She was working in his labs... undercover.
Lo Wang: Oh, he doesn’t like that kind of thing.
Mamushi Heika: I am organizing a rescue mission.
Lo Wang: Zilla's security is legendary. They wouldn’t get past the front desk.
Mamushi Heika: And what would you suggest?
Lo Wang: Go in quiet. You send one guy. Preferably one that knows his way around.
Mamushi Heika: Are you offering your services?
Lo Wang: Depends what you're paying.
Mamushi Heika: 100,000. Cash.
Lo Wang: Ah… That should please my accountant I still have a few old badges and a couple fakes. I can get in and at least tell you what you’re dealing with.
Mamushi Heika: Go then. Find out what happened. Bring her back if you can.
Lo Wang: Back here?
Mamushi Heika: No. This is the first place they'll look. Take her to...
Smith: I have a secluded location you may use.
Mamushi Heika: OK then, take her to the old man’s place.
Smith: Bring her to my garage. I will meet you there.
Lo Wang: What do you want me to do with this?
Smith: I can give it to her, when I see her.
Mamushi Heika: Lo Wang?
Lo Wang: Yes?
Mamushi Heika: Don't fuck this up. If she dies, they’ll be picking your fingertips out of my gardens for weeks.
Lo Wang: Lady sure knows how to motivate her workforce.
Smith: Intimidation is the tool of the fearful heart.
Lo Wang: Hey, it beats being the fool of the tearful fart.
Smith: That’s deeply stupid.
Lo Wang: But it’s true.
Smith: Fair enough.
Mamushi Heika: (angerly) Get. Out. Of. HERE!!!
[Wang goes to his car...]
Lo Wang: Starting to feel like a goddamn babysitter. But you know what? Babysitters make good money.
Lo Wang: Welcome to the shiny-happy-future. Hey, one out of three ain’t bad.
[He find the girl.]
Lo Wang: Room's locked. Bulletproof glass too I wonder If that’s…
Man: Ah, Kamiko, my star pupil.
Lo Wang: Yeah, of course it's her.
Kamiko: Mmmmmmmph! Rrrrrrgmph!!
Man: Come now, come now, calm yourself, my dear. Let you go? Oh I'm afraid I can’t do that, my dearest. It would spoil our grand experiment, and you always loved experiments. Before we embark on this grand adventure, there is something I should say. I am deeply in your debt, young lady. I would never have achieved all I that have without your help. The lab just won't be the same without you... to steal from. Proceed.
Lo Wang: Goddammit Zilla, I knew you were into some twisted shit, but this is on a whole other level.
[The power goes off.]
Zilla: That's strange. What’s happening? Is she all right? Someone check her vitals. Untie her gag. I don't want her suffocating, we need her to be…
Kamiko: Files, carrion, the stench of death.
Zilla: Oh my. Now this *is* getting interesting.
Lo Wang: Oh, shiiiit.
Kamiko: (in demonic voice) Bulldozed bodies, open sores, dismembered children. Ardontishandoga muktupiterotsi guandoplandanrip sibnoktigalshaliteropt cran!
Zilla: Secure the room. I need to examine her in person. I am on my way!
Girl in White: Yes sir!
Lo Wang: Hey, you guys know a good Mexican place around here?
Girl in Black: What?! Get him!
[Wang find his way to the room with the girl.]
Lo Wang: Hey! Spooky number lady! I'm going to get you out of here, I just need you to...
Kamiko: I am the graveyard of hope. I am the end of all times. I am the shadow of the world. Grantudants! Brigontoblantikortedalbo.
Lo Wang: Goddamn girl, do what thou wile shall be the whole of the law.
Kamiko: I am the filth under your nalls, I am the oil that stains your soul, I am despair made manifest.
Lo Wang: OK, so this is probably a terrible idea, but I’m sort of out of options here. I’m gonna untie you. When I do, please don't eat my face. I'm a friend, OK? Frieeeeeend. Alright, here we go… (picks up the girl) And my face remains uneaten! Gonna put that one in the plus column! Up you go. Come on. Take it easy there. You’re doing really well with the non-face-eating. Now… Where’s the emergency exit. Fuck, Zilla, this place is a fire hazard if I’ve ever seen… Oh! Hello, ladies! What's that? You're trapped in a glass box? Oh that’s good. How many years did you spend in mime school? (laughs) Listen, I would love stay and catch up, but I’ve got this possessed girl and she's… See what I mean? Kids today, right?
[He brings her to Smith’s garage.]
Lo Wang: Smith!
Smith: Kamiko! What happened?
Lo Wang: They shot her up with some kind of serum and she went - like this.
Smith: Follow me, quickly. Through here. I hope I can trust you.
Lo Wang: Whoa, what is this place?
Smith: This is my... other workshop.
Lo Wang: Holy pieces of sacks of shit! Where did you get all these swords?
Smith: I made them. They are my family’s trade. But there’s no time to explain. Lay her down here…
Lo Wang: OK… there.
Smith: Now wait here for a moment.
Lo Wang: Wait here?! Oh not a problem! I’ll just hang out here while Linda Blair pukes blood out of her eyeballs. (Kamiko roars) I know, I know! I don’t like it any more than you do. Can I, uh... go, now?
Smith: Unless we act quickly, she will die.
Lo Wang: Who’s this ‘we’, white man?
Smith: Excuse me?
Lo Wang: Ok, ok, what do you need me to do?
Smith: I need a place for her to stay.
Lo Wang: I have a futon she can sleep on its also my couch, but it’s clean. But shit, you have this place, why can she just stay here…
Smith: I need a soul she can colocate with.
Lo Wang: You need a...
Smith: Her body is corrupted. If I do not separate her soul from it in the next few minutes, it will become corrupted as well and she will be gone forever.
Lo Wang: That's pretty fucked up.
Smith: Once her soul is removed we can fix her body, then she can re-enter it. But in the meantime, I need a place to keep it.
Lo Wang: Her soul? Seriously? I did something like this once before and it did not end well.
Smith: In truth, you are my only option.
Lo Wang: Keep it in *your* soul, then!
Smith: I can't, I'm performing the ritual.
Lo Wang: Oh, there's rules. That’s convenient.
Smith: She is too far gone. I have to start. Eycondlwaaaagorumtukita-woooo.
Kamiko: I AM BELOW ALL AND ABOVE ALL!
Lo Wang: I'm not getting paid enough for this shit!
Kamiko: I AM THE NIGHT’S MARROW!
Lo Wang: What are you doing to her, old man?
Kamiko: I WILL DEVOUR THE SOUL OF THE WORLD AND SHIT ITS BLOOD ACROSS THE STARS!
Smith: Are you ready?
Lo Wang: Ready? Ready for what?
Lo Wang: Alright! Who's that?
Kamiko: It’s me. Uh… Kamiko.
Lo Wang: The girl from Zilla Labs?
Lo Wang: The one I rescued.
Kamiko: I’m not sure. I don't remember much.
Lo Wang: Where are you?
Kamiko: I don't know, where are you?
Lo Wang: I'm not sure. Everything got so loud, then it all went black.
Kamiko: Have you tried opening your eyes?
Lo Wang: It actually hadn't occurred to me.
Smith: Are you OK?
Kamiko: Smith! I’m fine, it just... Where am I?
Smith: Kamiko! Are you OK?
Kamiko: Wait, this is the weirdest... is this *my* body? Wait, are these *my* fingers…
Lo Wang: Wait, who’s talking?
Smith: I didn’t hear anything.
Lo Wang: In my head I keep hearing…
Kamiko: In your head. Am I...
Smith: Can you hear me?
Lo Wang: Is she...
Smith: OK. I think it worked Kamiko's soul has been temporarily placed in your care.
Lo Wang & Kamiko: Are you serious?!
Smith: It’s really rather miraculous.
Lo Wang: That's not the word I would have chosen.
Kamiko: I’m riding shotgun with this dimwit.
Smith: Do you understand, Kamiko? Everything is going to be all right.
Kamiko: Oh... Right, sure! I mean this day s been fantastic so far. I lost my job, and then my boss tried to kill me and now I'm stuck inside the head of some wannabe ninja.
Lo Wang: She's great. How long do we have to do this for?
[Lo Wang goes on a mission.]
Kamiko: This is is strange. I’m in here, seeing through your eyes, but I'm also asleep back in Smith’s dojo I can feel myself with my eyes closed. I wonder if I can... wiggle my…
Lo Wang: Don't pull a muscle!
Kamiko: Gah! Would it kill you to let me concentrate for a second?
Lo Wang: You think it's easy sharing your mind with someone?
Kamiko: I don’t think I can move my body at all.
Lo Wang: Just so long as you can't move mine.
Kamiko: Yes sir, Captain Crusty, sir.
Lo Wang: At ease, soldier.
[He goes to a shop.]
Lo Wang: So, are you Hideo?
Hideo: Master Wang! It is a pleasure to meet you! I've heard a lot about you.
Lo Wang: All good, I hope.
[He gives him a hand, but Hideo does not shake it.]
Hideo: Ahhhhhh... It's a pleasure to meet you!
Lo Wang: Fucking kids… Hey, what’s going on, Hideo?
Hideo: The usual. Training. Vigilance. I've taken over the Kung Fu sessions for Master Smith while he works on a cure for Kamiko.
Lo Wang: Nice. Sounds like fun.
Hideo: It's work. We have to be ready at any moment.
Lo Wang: For what, exactly?
Hideo: Justice never rests.
Lo Wang: Well, you’re a serious young fellow. I’d say you remind me of me, except you are about as far from me as humanly possible.
Hideo: (bows) Thank you, sir.
Lo Wang: I’m not sure how to take that.
Hideo: Master Smith asked me to show you some of the Chi techniques we have developed here. With your training, they should be elementary.
Lo Wang: Fire away. I’m always up for new and better ways to fuck shit up.
[He goes back to the smith.]
Smith: Lo Wang! How are things with your new... roommate?
Lo Wang: Oh, you know it's great as long as she keeps her mouth shut
Kamiko: I have to ride around in the cesspool of your mind all day and not talk about it? I wish I had skin so I could crawl out of it, you pompous, oversexed idiot!
Lo Wang: She agrees.
Smith: Hmmm... I very much doubt that Please treat her with respect and kindness, Lo Wang. She is very dear to me.
Kamiko: Oh look, someone with manners. Shocking!
Smith: I'm sure you two will find a way to put aside your differences in the name of the greater good.
Lo Wang: If by ‘greater good’ you mean me getting my money, then I heartily agree.
Smith: Money is an illusion used to hypnotize small minds.
Lo Wang: But it sure helps when you're trying to buy a bottle of good whiskey.
Smith: Ugh… I need four things. First, a demonic rod, then the skin of a large mammal and some raw Chi-crystals. They can usually be found near Black Rain pools. Careful, though, the pools what seem to be causing the mutations in the animals out there.
Lo Wang: Maybe I'll pick up some dinner while I'm at it.
Smith: I would not recommend eating them.
Kamiko: I’m doomed.
Smith: I will also need a Golden Chrysanthemum. The vendors in the marketplace usually have them.
Lo Wang: Wow, crystals and flowers. Hey dudes! Are we going to harmonize our resonances and use them to levitate the Pentagon? (laughs)
Smith: Something like that. Come on, the sooner I have those materials, the sooner I can get Kamiko back where she belongs.
Lo Wang: Alright, alright. Back in a jiffy.
Lo Wang: Larry! How's it hanging?
Kamiko: You know this guy?
Lo Wang: Old friend.
Larry: You always make me smile Lo Wang. No wait that's not it. You always make me fart. That's what it was.
Lo Wang: That hurts, Larry You're a real demon, you know that?
Larry: That's what my momma always told me. What can I do for you?
Lo Wang: I actually have a very special request today. I need a Golden Chrysanthemum.
Larry: Ooh, specialty item. Very hard to find.
Lo Wang: Come on, Larry, I know you’re holding. And you owe me one.
Larry: It’s a fair cop.
Lo Wang: Yakuza mess with you any more?
Larry: They still give me dirty looks from time to time, but there hasn't been an incident since you put the fear of Wang in ‘em.
Lo Wang: I did do that, didn't I.
Larry: And I do owe you. Here. On me. Bring your wallet next time
Lo Wang: OK. Thanks for this.
Larry: Thank you. You saved my business. Maybe my life.
Lo Wang: Let's not get weepy about it. I don’t want you to start spitting acid everywhere.
Lo Wang: Demon! Big kiss!
[Wang goes back to his car. He pets her like his one true love.]
Lo Wang: Car, sweet car.
Kamiko: Is this our only transportation option?
Lo Wang: You got a better idea?
Kamiko: Sorry, I'm just used to…
Lo Wang: What, teleporting?
Kamiko: Actually, you're not far off.
Lo Wang: What?
Kamiko: I figured it out when I was training with Smith. It was an accident.
Lo Wang: You accidentally teleported.
Kamiko: When I calm my mind, I can see these statues. And If I focus on one, It sort of... pulls me on it.
Lo Wang: In the real world? How?
Kamiko: I have no idea how it works. But I've been doing it for the past year.
Lo Wang: No wonder Smith took an interest in you.
Kamiko: Here, close your eyes. I'll show you.
[She teleports him on a new mission.]
Lo Wang: So. Boss’ daughter, huh? Must be nice.
Kamiko: Oh yeah. It's great. You don't get a childhood and you never see your dad.
Lo Wang: Well I'm sure he's a busy guy. But I bet he dotes on you.
Kamiko: Wouldn't know. Never met the guy.
Lo Wang: What? Doesn't he live around here?
Lo Wang: I guess criminal masterminds don’t make the best parents.
Kamiko: Mamushi Heika says it’s a security precaution. A lot of people want him dead, I guess.
Lo Wang: How about you?
Kamiko: I don't want him dead I don't even care that he s alive.
Lo Wang: Well, he got you a pretty nice birthday gift.
Kamiko: He did? What was it?
Lo Wang: Some kind of amulet-looking thing.
Kamiko: Does it do anything?
Lo Wang: I have no idea.
Kamiko: You are beyond useless will you ask Smith next time you see him?
Lo Wang: Oh yeah, sure, I’ll put it on my to do list.
Lo Wang: (in battle) That was nice! Oh hello new ammo friends. You ready to kill some fuckfaces?
Lo Wang: What did you do for Zilla?
Kamiko: I’m a scientist. I worked in his Chi Physics lab
Lo Wang: Oh I see. Like on Chi engines and stuff?
Kamiko: I actually helped him invent Chi engines.
Lo Wang: No shit. I'm surprised Zilla didn't consider you more valuable.
Kamiko: Oh he knew my value. Treated me like a golden goose.
Lo Wang: Until you laid just the golden egg he was looking for?
Kamiko: Something like that.
Lo Wang: So weird having you in my head.
Kamiko: Yeah, I can imagine.
Lo Wang: I guess it’s more like deja vu.
Kamiko: You did something like this before?
Lo Wang: It was slightly different, but I had a... helper in my head for a while. He was aggravating at first, too. But eventually, we became friends.
Kamiko: Wonderful. I’m living with a schizophrenic.
Lo Wang: Not just any schizophrenic. A highly trained and heavily armed schizophrenic.
Kamiko: Well, if you’re gonna go, go big. I guess.
Lo Wang: Always.
[Couple of minutes later Wang’s phone ringing...]
Lo Wang: You’ve got ahem... Wang speaking.
Mamushi Heika: Has Kamiko’s condition improved?
Kamiko: Like she cares.
Lo Wang: Not exactly, but we re working on it.
Mamushi Heika: Are you integral to her recovery?
Lo Wang: Uh, I'm not sure it…
Mamushi Heika: Good, come to my office, I have something I need done.
Lo Wang: Will it involve getting paid for this... You know she's a treasure.
[At the smith.]
Smith: Lo Wang. I didn't expect you back so soon.
Lo Wang: Funny how efficient you can be when there's someone in your head yelling at you all the time.
Kamiko: Do you have a problem with efficiency?
Smith: So you and Kamiko are getting along then?
Lo Wang: I wouldn't call it getting along so much as getting through.
Kamiko: Enough chatting, let's get on with it!
Smith: The rock doesn’t choose the river. Nor the river the rock. Yet neither would exist without the other.
Kamiko: Tell him to lay off the cryptic wisdom and make my stupid potion already.
Lo Wang: Kamiko says you're full of shit.
Smith: Oh I doubt that very much.
Lo Wang: OK, she said to lay off the cryptic wisdom and make the stupid potion already.
Smith: That s my girl. My items please.
Lo Wang: Here you go. Oh and hey, Kamiko had a question. What was that thing her dad got her?
Smith: It is a spirit well. An extremely powerful artifact.
Lo Wang: A what now?
Smith: It's like a container, only is can hold a person's soul.
Kamiko: Wait, seriously? Why can I live in there instead of with this idiot?
Lo Wang: She wants to know why you didn't put her in there.
Smith: It would not be a good idea. Once you have entered a spirit well, you will never emerge.
Lo Wang: Ohhh, so it's like a Comic-Con?
Smith: This is a complex operation. It's going to take me some time. Check back with me when you can.
[Some time later...]
Smith: The cure is coming along nicely, but it needs more time to cook. In the meantime, do you think you could help me with something?
Lo Wang: Does it involve moving a piano or coming to an open mic night?
Smith: It does not.
Lo Wang: Then I’m in!
Smith: I'm running out of crude.
Lo Wang: And crude is...
Smith & Kamiko: Unrefined Black Rain. The raw material that comes out of the ground.
Lo Wang: She’s a… She’s telling me.
Smith & Kamiko: Oh that’s right. Forgot about your tiny mind.
Lo Wang: Hey! Seriously. You guys have to stop that. Alright, what is this stuff for?
Smith & Kamiko: It's the unrefined material that…
Lo Wang: Just let *him* talk!
Smith: Excuse me?
Kamiko: Sheesh. Somebody woke up on the wrong side of the Collison.
Lo Wang: Sorry, I'm still getting used to this.
Smith: Sludge is the base, It can be fractionally distilled into a variety of things. Fuel, lubricant, even liquor. I need it to run my forge. There are some wildcatters out west of here in the wilderness. They'll sell you some. Just make sure you ask nicely.
Lo Wang: I am, in all things, a model of gentility.
Kamiko: Well they weren't refining fuel out here. No wonder they blew themselves up.
Lo Wang: What do you mean?
Kamiko: They were trying to make black whiskey.
Lo Wang: Hey, we all need to take the edge off now and then.
Kamiko: Right. Tell me about that when you go blind drinking something your buddy mixed up in an outhouse.
Lo Wang: Beats getting blown up.
Kamiko: Looks like these guys did both.
Lo Wang: Fair enough. Oh well I guess we should head back.
Kamiko: No way, we need to get Smith some crude. You know, Zilla has an operation out here too I've never seen it, but it can’t be far from here.
Lo Wang: And they re just going to lend us a cup of sludge?
Kamiko: You may need to convince hem.
Lo Wang: I can be very persuasive.
Lo Wang: (in battle) Ban fucking zal you ugly son of a bitch.
Kamiko: Whoa I d heard people do this out int wilderness, but I never quite believed it.
Lo Wang: What?
Kamiko: Just go out in the woods and dig for crude.
Lo Wang: How else are they supposed to get it?
Kamiko: You should see Zilla's operations. Clean. Efficient. Safe. This? This is like playing tag in a uranium mine.
Lo Wang: If you love Zilla so much, why don't you marry him.
Kamiko: He's a great scientist.
Lo Wang: So was Oppenheimer.
Kamiko: What s the weather like up your butt?
Lo Wang: See for yourself.
[Wang shredding couple of armies of demons and goes back to Smith.]
Lo Wang: I found your pals in the forest.
Kamiko: Give him the crude.
Smith: What about them?
Lo Wang: They were playing a little fast and loose our there.
Kamiko: Give him the crude!
Smith: What do you expect on the frontier?
Lo Wang: Let's just say you could fit what’s left of them in a decorative vase.
Kamiko: Will you just... Gah!
Smith: Oh. Well then, I'm going to have to think about how to source some more…
Lo Wang: Relax old man, I got you covered.
Kamiko: You are such a…
Smith: Call me old man again and I’ll cut your wang off.
Lo Wang: I read you loud and clear, sir.
Smith: Come see me again if you find yourself at loose ends.
Lo Wang: Hey, I've been meaning to ask you about these swords.
Lo Wang: You say you made these? These are Tamagahane steel. You don’t just make Tamagahane steel blades.
Smith: You don't. But I do. I apprenticed for 20 years. And each sword takes me around 6 months.
Lo Wang: You spent two decades learning this?
Smith: I was a quick study.
Lo Wang: How did you find a master swordmaker willing to take you on, given your, you know… your…
Smith: My... ‘nontraditional’ skin color?
Lo Wang: Yeah…
Smith: I learned from my grandfather. He was a traditionalist, but was able to overlook my background, given the... complexity of our family history.
Lo Wang: Do tell.
Smith: My grandfather was the last surviving member of the Masamune clan.
Lo Wang: Is that so? And let me guess, your uncle was Keyser Soze.
Smith: Believe what you want. I am who I am.
Lo Wang: I’ve heard that one before. I think it was Yahweh? Or was it Popeye? I always get those two mixed up.
Smith: Your disbelief is reasonable. My family was a living ghost story. They forged the Nobitsura Kage, if you believe that sort of thing.
Lo Wang: Believe it? Brother, I own it.
Smith: Now who is telling tall tales?
Lo Wang: I got it right here. But it’s not what it used to be.
Lo Wang: I used it to... kill a god. After I did that it began shrinking. See?
Smith: Fascinating. Does it have the powers from the stories?
Lo Wang: It did. Little hard to wield now, though. Unless you're Mighty Mouse.
Smith: What if I cold you I could fix it?
Lo Wang: I'd say that’s the third most unbelievable thing you’ve said during this conversation.
Smith: Let’s see. Oh dear. I don't have the correct scrolls here. They’re in my grandfather's
library. If you retrieve them, I will see what I can do.
Lo Wang: Oh don't worry, fetch is my favorite game!
Smith: I’m not telling you how to live your life If you’re in the neighborhood, check it out. Or don’t.
Lo Wang: Whatever you say.
Lo Wang (killing Yakuzas): I'll handle stabbing and shooting you take care of the dying. Hey, you mind keeping your blood to yourself, please?
[Wang finds the seller. He is obviously zooted on something.]
Lo Wang: Hey.
Lo Wang: You know where I can get some Shade?
Seller: I’m partial to oak trees myself.
Lo Wang: Cut the shit, I know you're selling.
Seller: All right, how much you need?
Lo Wang: Uh four... hundred.
Seller: Shit, you serious? I only got dimes. You want more than that you gotta talk to the Chef.
Lo Wang: The Chef?
Seller: The guy who cooks the stuff. That’s what he calls himself.
Lo Wang: Where can I find him?
Seller: He doesn't really like visitors.
Lo Wang: Look, I got a lot of cash on me. I'll make it worth his while.
Seller: All right, cell yo what. You head down that alley and I'll tell him to come see you. Cool?
Lo Wang: Alright, cool. (to Kamiko) See? That's how a master does it.
Kamiko: (mockingly) Oh my gosh, I'm sooooo impressed. You’re, like, really young and hip and streetwise
Lo Wang: Can it. I need to focus.
[He finds some big, aggressive looking guy.]
Lo Wang: So, which one of you guys is the Chef?
Protector of the Chief: Hand over the cash, or we cave in your fucking skull.
Lo Wang: I should warn you. This is a terrible idea.
Protector of the Chief: Fuck you!
[Wang kills the protector and goes back to the seller.]
Lo Wang: Hey! Shithead! Long time no set me up. You want to end up like your fucking friends?
Seller: I'm sorry! I thought...
Lo Wang: You thought you'd tell me where the Chef actually fucking is now?
Seller: Uh... yeah! It's up that way. Don't tell him I told you, ok? He's gotten real... weird lately
Lo Wang: I think you have bigger things to worry about. Like, say, ever running into me ever a-fucking-gain.
Seller: That sounds reasonable.
Lo Wang: I'm nothing if not accommodating.
[Wang kills the Chief.]
Lo Wang: He should have listened to Biggie.
Lo Wang: The ten crack commandments? Number 4, I know you heard this before. Never get high on your own supply.
[He goes back to Mamushi Heika.]
Mamushi Heika: Mr. Wang, I trust you have good news for me?
Lo Wang: That depends on your perspective.
Mamushi Heika: What is that supposed to mean?
Lo Wang: His next of kin probably aren't thrilled. The local vultures are delighted, though.
Mamushi Heika: Wait. Is that some sort of idiotic way of telling me you killed him?
Lo Wang: Uh yeah I thought it was pretty…
Mamushi Heika: You goddamn moron. I told you to ‘deliver a message’ not slice him up. I didn't want him dead. I wanted him on my fucking payroll!
Lo Wang: I'm not so sure about that, he was pretty far gone.
Mamushi Heika: Don't tell me my business! If I want someone killed, I'll say so.
Kamiko: Why didn't you tell her about Biggie?
Lo Wang: Shit up.
Ninja’d Scrolls – Part 1Edit
[Lo Wang goes on a side mission in search for Smith’s grandfather scrolls...]
Kamiko: So when it comes to swords, you suddenly find passion and integrity. Typical man
Lo Wang: You wouldn't understand. This sword is special.
Kamiko: Is that what your mom called you?
Lo Wang: My mother died before my fourth birthday.
Kamiko: I... I’m sorry. I didn't know.
Lo Wang: Wait! We found something Kamiko doesn't know! Somebody call the papers. Oh yeah, there's no such thing any more. That s ok, I'll Just cell this demon up here. I'm sure he's interested!
Kamiko: OK, OK, point taken.
Lo Wang: So how well do you know Smith?
Kamiko: He's my sensei. He taught me everything I know about Kung Fu.
Lo Wang: Is he really from a family of swordmakers?
Kamiko: I never had a reason to doubt it.
Lo Wang: Except for the fact he’s…
Lo Wang: No, he is…
Lo Wang: Black! He's black.
Kamiko: Now *there’s* a newsflash.
Lo Wang: But that doesn't make sense. He can’t be from one of the swordmaking families if he's…
Kamiko: His mother was Japanese. His father was an American GI. He was raised by his grandfather.
Lo Wang: What was his story?
Kamiko: Never met the guy. But I think we re about to poke around his place.
Lo Wang: Oh. I like poking.
[In the library.]
Lo Wang: Looks like someone's been through here before us.
Kamiko: Wow. They really did a number on this place.
Lo Wang: Looters gonna loot. At least we got this diary. Consolation prize for the old man.
Kamiko: Guess you're not getting your sword back after all.
Lo Wang: Oh, I’m getting it back.
Kamiko: But the instructions…
Lo Wang: Were stolen. All I have to do is steal them back.
Kamiko: How can we find who took them?
Lo Wang: Well we can start be tracking down whoever put these tags up.
Kamiko: Huh! Smart.
Lo Wang: I try to keep my intelligent moments to once per year. Get ready for a tsunami of stupid.
[He teleports back to the smith.]
Lo Wang: I'm afraid there's not much left of your grandfather's library.
Smith: It is unfortunate.
Lo Wang: That's it? You lose a trove of priceless, irreplaceable documents and it's unfortunate?
Smith: Who can say that is good luck and what is bad? I try to remain unattached to any single outcome.
Lo Wang: Wow, I bet you're fun in Vegas. Anyway, there was a particular piece of graffiti all over the place I think it might be connected to the looters.
Smith: I will have my students do some digging.
Lo Wang: I thought you weren't attached to any one outcome.
Smith: My fist will be attached to your face in a moment if you continue being impertinent.
Lo Wang: Understood. Let me know if you find any leads, Sir.
[After some time...]
Lo Wang: Any luck finding the looters?
Smith: One of my students contacted me briefly to say he was onto something, but we were cut off.
Lo Wang: He hasn't checked in since?
Smith: I afraid not. I would appreciate it if you could try to find him. He said he was on a rooftop overlooking the marketplace.
Ninja'd Scrolls – Part 2Edit
[Wang leaves the smith and talks to Kamiko.]
Lo Wang: So were you one of Smith's pupils?
Kamiko: In a way. I was a bit of a special case.
Lo Wang: Star pupil?
Kamiko: Most of them have been there longer than me. I only started three years ago.
Lo Wang: Ooooh, took at the fast learner.
Kamiko: I do OK. But Smith was always very protective. He never sent me out on missions. Wanted to keep my training under the radar.
Lo Wang: So he didn't turn you into a mercenary like the others?
Kamiko: They're not mercenaries! Their only concern is helping others. They take a vow.
Lo Wang: Oh great. Idealists. Just what we need.
[Wang finds the kid. He sitting in a cage.]
Lo Wang: Hey, kid.
Dojo Kid: Lo Wang! I m so happy you're here.
Lo Wang: That makes one of us. What the fuck happened?
Dojo Kid: I am ashamed to say that I failed. My pride made me overbold and I was... captured.
Lo Wang: How can I get the key to this thing?
Dojo Kid: That guard there has it, but be careful he does not raise the alarm.
[Wang kill the guard and get the key.]
Lo Wang: Hideo, come in.
Hideo: Yes, Master Wang?
Lo Wang: I found your lost sheep.
Hideo: Ah. Excellent. I'll be over to collect him shortly.
Lo Wang: Hey! Be careful, It's still a little rough around here.
Hideo: I will cake the necessary precautions. Thank you, Master Wang.
Lo Wang: Master Wang. I could get used to that. OK, kid, you heard him, they'll come get you soon.
[He gets back to the smith.]
Smith: My student told me everything you did, Lo Wang. Thank you.
Lo Wang: Everything?
Smith: Everything. I should be able to repair the damage you did to his training within two years.
Lo Wang: Hey, uh... I didn't mean to offend. I can be... a dickhead sometimes.
Smith: We all have our own path. You are not called to the silence. To pursue it would be folly. This Way of the Wang you spoke to him about.
Lo Wang: The Way of the Wang is long. And hard. And ribbed for her pleasure.
Smith: I see. Well, good luck with that.
[Wang visits Hideo.]
Lo Wang: Any news about our... friends?
Hideo: Word on the street is everything they got has already been sold off.
Lo Wang: Shit.
Hideo: To only about four different vendors. This is a small town.
Lo Wang: And you can find them?
Hideo: They’re not exactly in hiding, sir. (bows)
Lo Wang: Point me in the right direction. I'll cake care of the rest.
Hideo: First guy I'd try is Saito. Not far from here. If he has them, I m sure you can persuade him to sell them back to you.
Ninja'd Scrolls – Part 3Edit
[Wang goes to the city...]
Lo Wang: Hey, you Saito?
Saito: Who wants to know?
Lo Wang: Just a humble art collector.
Saito: You don’t look like an art collector.
Lo Wang: And you don't look like you're about to be a pile of tiny pieces! Still. Here we are, right?
Saito: What do you want?
Lo Wang: I want those scrolls you have.
Saito: Oh! I sold those already. Bunch of junk.
Lo Wang: Who the fuck did you sell them to?
Saito: I never divulge information about my clients.
Lo Wang: And I never divulge information about where I bury my victims.
Saito: Let me show you on your map.
Lo Wang: Wise choice.
Saito: You'll need a password to get in the door. It's 23 Skidoo.
Lo Wang: Much obliged, Salto.
[He dashes to the client.]
Lo Wang: I believe you have something that belongs to a friend of mine.
Client: Everything here used to belong to someone else. Now it belongs to me.
Lo Wang: No shit. What about my ass? Does that belong to you too?
Client: It will by the time we’re finished here.
Lo Wang: Quite the contrary, it is you who will belong to my ass.
Client: You gotta work on that one.
Lo Wang: Yeah, that didn't come out as cool as I thought it would. Kill you anyway?
Client: Oh, I very much doubt it.
[Wang begin to slice up the client end his crew.]
Kamiko: Do you ever not kill everything that moves?
Lo Wang: Every Tuesday from 3:15 to 3:20. That's my ‘me’ time.
Kamiko: Please do not tell me that you do during that time.
[Wang goes back to the smith.]
Smith: Lo Wang, you have done my family a great service.
Lo Wang: No more than your family has done for me.
Smith: Perhaps. Still, I am in your debt. Now lets see what we can do with that sword.
Lo Wang: Careful, you don't want to slice off a fingernail.
Smith: Remarkable. I have never seen anything like this. All right I will attempt to restore it. Please stand back.
[He mumbles a spell and strikes the sword with his hammer.]
Lo Wang: It… you ruined it even more!
Smith: Under the circumstances it was the best I could do. This sword will never enjoy its former glory. But now you can put it to work inside another sword.
Lo Wang: Oh... well that's something I guess.
[Wang goes to the palace.]
Mamushi Heika: Enjoying your vacation, Mr. Wang?
Lo Wang: It's going all right. I could use another Mai Tai and some sunblock, though.
Mamushi Heika: If you can rouse yourself from your leisure, I have further use for your skills.
Lo Wang: What’s going on?
Mamushi Heika: Some assholes are cooking up back alley Shade in the slums.
Kamiko: Oh that's horrifying.
Mamushi Heika: I need you to put a stop to it.
Lo Wang: For the children?
Mamushi Heika: No, to show them what no one sells Shade in my territory without getting his balls shoved down his throat.
Lo Wang: I think I can handle that…
Mamushi Heika: I need you to figure out what that little shit was working on. She sent regular reports, but I think she was holding out on me.
Kamiko: Of course I was holding out on you, you evil bitch.
Lo Wang: (chuckles)
Mamushi Heika: What’s so funny?
Lo Wang: Oh… nothing, private joke.
Mamushi Heika: I need you to go to her apartment in the city and bring me anything you can find that looks like science. Notebooks, lab equipment.
Lo Wang: Sounds like it requires a lot of initiative.
Mamushi Heika: Listen you cocky piece of shit. I hired you to protect a very expensive piece of merchandise. And you brought her back *broken*. Until she s fixed, your ass belongs to ME. If I say I want a human birdfeeder, you start shoving crumbs up your ass.
Lo Wang: That's... colorful. I’m just used to jobs that require more chopping and less hauling.
Mamushi Heika: Oh, you’ll get your chance. Zilla’s going to have her place staked out with some serious muscle.
Lo Wang: Damn. I mean wonderful.
Mamushi Heika: Have fun, you miserable piece of shit.
Lo Wang: Love you too, sweetie. (to Kamiko) Man she is a charmer, huh?
Kamiko: Sometimes I fantasize about her being slowly eaten alive by ants. It's comforting.
Lo Wang: (chuckles) Remind me to stock up on Borax.
[They enter Kamiko’s apartment.]
Lo Wang: OK, where's the stuff we need?
Kamiko: Oh I don't keep any of that here. First place they’d look.
Lo Wang: What are you talking about? We spent all this time breaking in here, I got blood all over my shirt. Why would we...
Kamiko: I really wanted a cup of tea.
Lo Wang: You wanted a...
Kamiko: I like tea, OK?
Lo Wang: Wait, you have tea here? Where the hell did you get tea?
Kamiko: Zilla knows a guy. It's one of the perks. Can you put the kettle on?
Lo Wang: Look, I don't think we have time for that Where are your notes?
Kamiko: If I tell you, will you make me a cup of tea?
Lo Wang: No! I'm tired of this shit! I'm not your personal valet. Now where are your stupid notes?
Kamiko: I gave them to Xing to safekeeping.
Lo Wang: Xing, like head-in-a-box Xing?
Kamiko: You know someone else named Xing? He's the only person with any honor in Zilla's organization.
Lo Wang: Person might be stretching it, but yo make a fair point.
Kamiko: Wait, you know him?
Lo Wang: We met once. A long time ago. Before he was on TV . I never expected him to go work for Zilla.
Kamiko: Hey, you did it. I did it. We all make our choices.
Lo Wang: I guess so. Let's go see the big lug.
Kamiko: What about my tea?
Lo Wang: No time now.
Kamiko: At least bring it with you? Maybe Xing will have a kettle. Oh and we should bring my keycard.
Lo Wang: Sure, otherwise how will they know we’re visiting.
Kamiko: You think I’m an idiot? This is the card I hacked. Full access, full anonymity.
Lo Wang: Okay, that's impressive.
Kamiko: And pioneering Chi-tech isn't?
Lo Wang: I can't win with you.
Kamiko: You shouldn't try.
[They leave Kamiko’s apartment and enter Xing’s mansion.]
Lo Wang: Well, well, well, If it isn't my favorite corporate shill.
Xing: Lo Wang? How wonderful! I haven't seen you in ages.
Lo Wang: My goodness, you seem chipper.
Xing: You'd be amazed what access to total media surveillance will do.
Lo Wang: Destroy your faith in humanity?
Xing: Exactly! It's really quite amusing. It's like reality TV, only, you know, real. How did you get in here?
Lo Wang: I had a word with the guards. Sorry, I always mess that up. I had a *sword* with the guards.
Xing: Now that sounds like the old Lo Wang. Does Zilla know about this?
Lo Wang: This is strictly on the QT. I’m here for a friend, a Ms. Kamiko?
Xing: Kamiko? How is she? I was worried about her the last time we chatted. She seemed nervous.
Kamiko: Tell him I’m fine.
Lo Wang: She’s OK. Been through a rough patch, but hanging in there. She sent me to get her notebooks.
Xing: Well. Now this is awkward. She gave me very specific instructions not to give them to anyone.
Lo Wang: Come on! Xing! You know me!
Xing: My point exactly. How do I know you're really here on her behalf and not just trying to sell her research to the highest bidder?
Lo Wang: Because... because... OK, this is going to sound silly, but she's actually inside my head.
Xing: Come again?
Lo Wang: Her... body got corrupted and her soul was... sick? I don't really understand it to tell you the truth. All I know is she's in here.
Xing: That is ridiculous.
Lo Wang: Yes. It is ridiculous.
Xing: It would make a wonderful TV show, though.
Lo Wang: I think so.
Xing: If it were true. Which it can't be.
Kamiko: Tell him I have to miss 4 o’clock club today.
Lo Wang: She wants me to tell you she's going to miss 4 o'clock club today.
Xing: She... the... my word.
Lo Wang: What the fuck is 4 o'clock club?
Xing: Kamiko used to come by every Friday at 4. We'd drink tea and watch Jackie Chan movies.
Lo Wang: Now that is adorable.
Xing: You have proved your point. The drives have tracking chips in them. I’ll send you the chip IDs, that will cell you where to find them.
Lo Wang: Xing, you're the best. I wish you had a body right now so I could hug it.
Xing: You mean the one you chopped up and tossed off a cliff?
Lo Wang: Uh. Yeah. That's the one.
Xing: Gotta tell you, I’m not sure I'm in the market for hugs right now.
Lo Wang: Fair enough.
[After receiving the coordinates of the diaries, Wang begins to search for them.]
Lo Wang: So what's in these notebooks?
Kamiko: My experimental data. This is the foundation of my work on ZL4906.
Lo Wang: You mean Shade.
Kamiko: Shade is trash. Street crap. Half of it’s speed and heroin. People barely see anything.
Lo Wang: You tried this stuff?
Kamiko: I invented this stuff.
Lo Wang: That's some heavy shit. So you're responsible for all those junkies in town.
Kamiko: Everyone’s responsible for themselves. Those people are buying dirty stuff and getting hooked on other drugs, that’s on them. I don't take drugs, I conduct experiments on research compounds that provoke visionary reactions.
Lo Wang: You get high on your own supply.
Kamiko: You have no idea what you're talking about.
[Wang finds the last diary.]
Kamiko: Hold it, hold it. Don't give her that one.
Lo Wang: Why not?
Kamiko: That one has my actual research in it.
Lo Wang: And the rest of these are just idle doodling?
Kamiko: Worth about as much. In this business you can't be too careful. There's always someone trying to steal your work.
Lo Wang: Um yeah. About that. You know I’m only doing this because...
Kamiko: It's fine. Just make sure you give her the fakes.
Lo Wang: And what about this one?
Kamiko: That one we destroy. I don't even want to think about what would happen If that fell into the wrong hands.
[Wang returns to Mamushi Heika.]
Lo Wang: Well if she may look stupid... but she knows how to write fancy.
Mamushi Heika: Is this everything?
Lo Wang: I brought everything that wasn't nailed down. I think one of them might be her dream journal.
Mamushi Heika: I hope not. I don’t want to know what that thing dreams.
Lo Wang: Probably of money, like everyone else. Speaking of which…
Mamushi Heika: Of course. Your fabulous booty. But be ready I may need you again soon.
Lo Wang: I'll see If I can fit you into my schedule.
Mamushi Heika: I have another job for you.
Lo Wang: Awesome. Am I working another birthday? The last one went so well.
Mamushi Heika: I need you to gather intelligence. Oh, but you and intelligence don't appear to be on speaking terms.
Kamiko: Oh zing.
Lo Wang: Very cute. What do you need, mom?
Mamushi Heika: We are trying to find the source of the black ooze that's permeating the wildlands. We believe it may be coming from one particular area.
Lo Wang: And that area is…
Mamushi Heika: It doesn't have a name. I’m sending you coordinates now.
Lo Wang: Can't wait.
Mamushi Heika: Good luck, Mr. Wang.
[He teleports to the place.]
Lo Wang: No offense, but your mom is a stone cold bitch.
Kamiko: Oh. She's not my mom.
Lo Wang: No?
Kamiko: She's my grandmother.
Lo Wang: Grandmother? Seriously? Wow. Kinda GILFy, actually.
Kamiko: Eww, gross. She's the worst.
Lo Wang: Where’s your mom?
Kamiko: In the ground. Died giving birth to me.
Lo Wang: OK, well it was nice of Mama Mamushi to take you in, right?
Kamiko: Oh, right. Well, after she did to my mother, I'm surprised I'm even alive.
Lo Wang: Is this a story I really want to hear?
Kamiko: She set up an arranged marriage between my mom and the Oyabun. Word is, it was a deal so he’d make her his number 2.
Lo Wang: Wouldn't be the first time that happening.
Kamiko: Yeah, wall excuse me if I’m a little sensitive about my mother being sold as a sex slave. By her mother! I'd kill her myself but it's what she'd do. I'll never be like her.
Lo Wang: What, in charge?
Kamiko: You know you're a real prick sometimes?
Lo Wang: I've always thought of myself as more of a Wang. Whoah-ly neilybirds... What the fuck… Holy shit…
Lo Wang: Shhh… that’s Mezu.
Kamiko: The guy you…
Lo Wang: The god I…
Kamiko: Were super awesome at until his ass exploded?
Lo Wang: Something like that. (to Mezu) Hey!! Freakshow! Long time no ass-kicking!
Kamiko: Oh! Lo Wang. Have you come by to gloat at my meager circumstances?
Lo Wang: Well it wasn't my original plan, but now that I’m here....why not. It’ll be like old times.
Kamiko: I'm not sure why I thought I'd get sympathy from you. Some naive thought that you would grow up one day.
Lo Wang: Yeah. Keep dreaming. Looks like your old stomping ground poked through into our world. How’s it feel to be on my turf?
Kamiko: I have tried to accept the situation with as much dignity as I can muster.
Lo Wang: Hey, zero is a start. Why you still hanging around here?
Kamiko: I am tasked with guarding the gates. The Collision did not change that fact.
Lo Wang: I was sent to find out where the ooze is coming from. Looks like you have a little seepage problem there.
Kamiko: If certain parties had not taken it upon themselves to disturb the gates we should not be in this predicament in the first place.
Lo Wang: Oh you mean my brilliant strategy to distract you while I kicked your ass?
Kamiko: You don't comprehend the forces you're dealing with. If it were not an the gates would have opened that day. Humanity would have perished if not for my sacrifice.
Lo Wang: Oh riiight. You're secretly a good guy. Slipped my mind.
[Wang killed Elite Belly guarding the gates.]
Lo Wang: Oh man. Yeah!
Kamiko: Did you see how much crude was coming out of those gates? That has to be the source!
Lo Wang: It does seem likely.
Kamiko: Hey, what was that stuff he was talking about?
Lo Wang: Last time we met, I defeated him by breaking the seals on the gates. When we went to seal them again, I attacked him. It was some serious battlefield improvisation.
Kamiko: It's a fine line between brilliant and cowardly.
Lo Wang: Hey, a win is a win. He was trying to kill me!
Kamiko: You ever wonder about the fact that you are the hero of all of the stories you tell? How likely is it you're always…
Lo Wang: Sorry, I've got to take this.…
Smith: Lo Wang, please return here with all haste Zilla's men are invading the village. I believe they are looking for Kamiko. Your assistance would be appreciated.
Lo Wang: Damn. I'll be right there.
Kamiko: We have to get back there! Now!
Lo Wang: No shit, lady. Teleport us already.
Kamiko: OK, let me just get a lock on... oh. That's weird. I cant... feel the statue in town. It's like it's not there.
Lo Wang: Doesn't matter. Just get us anywhere close.
Kamiko: OK, nearest spot is… Um... It’s going to be a hike.
Lo Wang: Art of the possible, lady. Art of the possible.
Big Trouble in CalamityEdit
Kamiko: Whoah. That’s a lot of soldiers.
Lo Wang: When was the last time you saw him give up on experiment. Surprised to took him this long. Figured we’d have you back in your body by now.
Kamiko: Oh! Sorry I messed up your plans.
Lo Wang: Hey, this is my head you're hiding out in. You think I’m happy to be harboring a known fugitive, especially one Zilla's interested in?
Kamiko: Don't worry, from the looks of this, I won't be your problem much longer.
Lo Wang: From your lips to my ass. (to a monster) You feel lucky, dipshit?
Kamiko: If they made it this far, they’re probably all the way into Smith’s inner sanctum. Hurry!
Lo Wang: I can get us there quickly or I can get us there alive. Quality mayhem takes time, you know.
[They find Hideo.]
Hideo: Zilla's men were heavily armed, but we fought them off. Unfortunately Master Smith was... gravely wounded.
Lo Wang: Gravely... How were Zilla’s men...
Hideo: Go to him. Quickly. He says it is important. I must go and guard the entrance.
Lo Wang: Stay alive, Hideo.
Hideo: That is the idea, sir.
[At the smith...]
Lo Wang: Hello? Kamiko? Anybody home? You OK?
Kamiko: I… It was like... being stabbed by a thousand fiery knives.
Lo Wang: Shit. Was it the same stuff they shot you up with before?
[They find Smith sitting on training field. He is seriously wounded in the stomach and bleeding to death.]
Kamiko: Oh no.
Lo Wang: This... could be a problem.
Smith: Ah. Good to see you. Both of youю
Lo Wang: What happened?
Smith: Kamiko's body, when it mutated and broke free, it was raging, incoherent. It came after me, but couldn't bring myself to harm her.
Kamiko: Wait... *I* killed him!?
Lo Wang: Try not to move. I’ll get help the Yakuza must have some…
Smith: I have tried. This wound is imbued with some sort of dark potency I am helpless to resist much longer. Indeed, I believe I have almost... reached the end... of my road.
Kamiko: No! Smith!
Lo Wang: He can’t hear you.
Kamiko: Then let me speak through you!
Lo Wang: I don’t know...
Smith: Listen, there’s something we must do. The cure is complete. Fetch me the the flask. From the... library.
[Wang brings the flask.]
Smith: Hello, young ones. This is an auspicious moment. I have completed my final meditation.
Kamiko: Let me talk to him.
Lo Wang: What do we need to do with this flask?
Smith: Keep it safe until you can find a way to administer it to Kamiko’s body. It will heal her. Then you will need a Chi bender to reverse the soul binding… ritual.
Lo Wang: I'm a Chi bender.
Smith: You cannot perform it on yourself.
Lo Wang: Let me guess, I’ll go blind?
Smith: Your soul would discorporate and become a wisp, adrift in the aether. I don't think you’d like it.
Lo Wang: Oh you mean like…
Kamiko: (crying) Will you let me talk?
Lo Wang: OK, OK. Smith, Kamiko wants to speak with you I m not really sure how this is going to…
Kamiko & Lo Wang: Smith?
Lo Wang: Whoah. Like that, I guess.
Smith: Yes, child.
Kamiko & Lo Wang: You can't die.
Smith: I'm afraid you are mistaken.
Kamiko & Lo Wang: You showed me I was worth something. And that I could fight to become something more.
Smith: I only saw what was already there. It is a rare occurrence when one person can truly help another. That is the gift you have given me.
Kamiko & Lo Wang: What will I do without you?
Smith: What you would have done with me. Leave here become yourself, save the world most likely. Do not shrink from greatness, child. Breathe into it. Become it. You need not find your path. It has been beneath your feet all this time. Now, to the amulet.
Kamiko & Lo Wang: The spirit well... but... wait…
Smith: There is no more waiting for me. In this way I can remain on your path a few moments longer.
Kamiko & Lo Wang: I will always love you.
Smith: And I you, my child. As for you, Lo Wang…
Lo Wang: Yeah?
Smith: Look after my students if you can. Easy on the dick jokes, OK? (dies)
Lo Wang: Shit, I hope I have the strength to go out like that when the time comes.
Kamiko: You... you... jerk!
Lo Wang: Me? What did I do?
Kamiko: He wasted his last words on you.
Lo Wang: I prefer to think that he ‘spent’ them on me.
Kamiko: If you ever... make another dick joke... I'll kill you.
Lo Wang: You can have my dick jokes when you pry them from my cold, dead wang
Kamiko: I'm never talking to you again.
Lo Wang: Finally!
[After literally a few seconds they encounter a demon with long legs.]
Kamiko: Is that… me?
Lo Wang: Either that or someone hid Bigfoot’s Prozac prescription.
[The fight begins.]
Lo Wang: Oh hello, new ammo friends. You ready to kill some people? Do you feel lucky, asshole? It's not whiskey, but it'll do. Nothing like a fresh clip.
[Kamiko’s body defeated. It grows a pair of arms.]
Kamiko: You have to catch me and give me that cure!
Lo Wang: Oh. That’s… er... inconvenient.
Kamiko: You idiot! You let me get away!
Lo Wang: Easy with the insults, lady. Let's not forget who's driving this bus.
Kamiko: Oh, believe me, I remember!
Lo Wang: OK, so let's just…
[Kamiko’s body runs away.]
Kamiko: An IDIOT!
Lo Wang: Ok, let's go.
Lo Wang: Anywhere but here.
[Suddenly he hears a voice.]
Woman: Lo Wang it has been too long.
Lo Wang: Ameonna? Is that you?
Ameonna: What you see is but a reflection. I am in my temple.
Lo Wang: Hey, listen, I’d love to catch up, but I kind of have the entire world up my ass right now. Can we...
Ameonna: Come. Take refuge with us. We will succor you.
Kamiko: Excuse me?
Ameonna: It is he least I can do for my brother's dear companion.
Lo Wang: Actually that sounds pretty good right about now.
Ameonna: It is settled then. Look for me between my mountains in the valley where the sun does not shine. Farewell for now.
Lo Wang: What?
Kamiko: Her. I knew she was an idiot from the papers but that gave me full-body douche chills.
Lo Wang: You don't have a body.
Kamiko: Details. She’s a freak. And she was hitting on you.
Lo Wang: So we have a little history. I don't see what choice we have. She's offering us refuge.
Kamiko: She is offering us a one way ticket to creeperville.
Lo Wang: Good thing you're not driving.
[They teleports to the temple. At the gates...]
Lo Wang: Well I'll be! If it isn't my old pal fuckface!
Gatekeeper: Ameonna says you're to come inside.
Lo Wang: What, no metal detector? Guess you don't need those when you're immortal.
Gatekeeper: You are on sacred ground. I would appreciate it if you could respect that.
Lo Wang: And I would appreciate it If you choked on a peanut. We all have different struggles… Come on. Open up…
[He finds Ameonna in some sort of throne room.]
Ameonna: Hello! Is is me you're looking for? Lo Wang, it's been too long.
Lo Wang: Oh, uh, hello.
Ameonna: Let me guess. You have worn out your welcome with yet another employer.
Lo Wang: You know me. Another day, another pink slip.
Ameonna: They, what was it you used to say? Can't uh, ‘handle the Wang?’
Lo Wang: Something like that, yes.
Ameonna: Well, here on the mountain we can definitely ‘handle the wang’. Please know that you may stay here as long as you need to rest, recuperate and plan your next move.
Lo Wang: Thank you, It's very much appreciated. There is actually one thing I think you can do for me.
Ameonna: Name it.
Lo Wang: This is going to sound weird.
Ameonna: I very much doubt you can surprise me.
Lo Wang: I have a young girl trapped in my head.
Ameonna: Oh I m so glad you said something! Are you actively transitioning? Have you told the important people in your life?
Lo Wang: No, no it's not…
Ameonna: No, no I understand. These things can be hard to talk about.
Lo Wang: It's more of a magical situation.
Ameonna: Oh, wonderful! I m so happy you're at peace with it, darling.
Lo Wang: No! I rescued a girl. She was mutated in one of Zilla's experiments. In order to save her, a Chi master placed her soul in mine while he fixed her body.
Ameonna: Oh how fascinating!
Lo Wang: Not really. He was killed. And now she’s stuck. I was wondering if you could put her soul back if we were able to locate her body.
Ameonna: Oh how fascinating! My darling... oh sorry, darlings? I would be delighted to help you. Transitions like these deserve to be marked with care. I am touched you would ask me.
Lo Wang: Oh. Wonderful.
Ameonna: Who is this girl?
Lo Wang: Oh, she’s the daughter of the Yakuza's big boss.
Ameonna: I see. So you have taken something precious to them.
Lo Wang: Believe me, I’d give her back if I could.
Ameonna: You two don't get along?
Lo Wang: Oh no, she's really, really wonderful, don't get me wrong… But yeah I want her the fuck out of my head.
Ameonna: Where is her body now?
Lo Wang: Yeah, so, that's the thing it sort of mutated into this giant monster beast thing and… ran away.
Ameonna: Oh, Lo Wang. You do get yourself into the most *marvelous* scrapes.
Lo Wang: Everyone has a talent.
Ameonna: We are simple folk up here of the mountain and do not invite adventure. I won't be able to help you get the body back. But if you can retrieve it and return it to its original form, I can sort out her soul for you.
Lo Wang: Excellent.
Ameonna: Oh, and if you find yourself with time on your hands, speak with Gozu. He has been getting overwhelmed with his duties and may need some help.
Lo Wang: Overwhelmed by doody? That sounds like Gozu. I'll check it out.