[The lava-covered mouth of a volcano. Dr. Cortex confronts his sworn enemy face to face.]
Neo Cortex: Crash Bandicoot. At last I, the great Neo Cortex, have you right where I want you...
[He charges his electric baton...]
Neo Cortex: And now the final blow! Nyugh!
[...and we realize that he beats a toy.]
N. Tropy: Hush, simpleton!
Uka Uka: Hyuuuurgh-ahhh!
[Uka Uka tries to move rocks with his powers.]
Neo Cortex: Face it N. Tropy, it's going to fail. Again.
N. Tropy: At least Uka Uka and I attempt to free us from this prison! I won't sit idly by and listen to your inane ramblings for another decade!
[He moves as close to Cortex as possible and whispers quietly.]
N. Tropy: And the way you chew.
Uka Uka: Hyuuuahhhhhh!!! Ahuugh!
[Uka Uka manages to tear up the fabric of time and space. He collapses to the ground exhausted.]
Neo Cortex: Is he dead?
N. Tropy: Leave him. He's served his purpose.
[He turns to the hole.]
N. Tropy: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!
It’s About Time
[In the meantime, Crash is sleeping peacefully on his old couch in the jungle. Aku Aku flies up to him.]
Aku Aku: A great power has awoken. (Crash wakes up) Crash, I fear it portends an event of reality-shattering proportions. (Crash falls asleep again) I feel it emanating from N. Sanity Peak. Quickly, we must go! Crash. Crash! CRASH!
[Crash follows Aku Aku and comes to an ominous blue tower. There he finds another spirit, with whom he falls into a trap - they are attacked by a terrifying monster.]
Lani-Loli: Ahhhh ahhh ahhh ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!
[Crash and Lani-Loli run away from the monster, but find themselves at the edge of a cliff.]
Lani-Loli: Ah ah no, no-no-no no way! Not in a million yea-- (Crash grabs him and jumps) Yeaaaaaaargh! (sticks to Crash's face) Yiiii! Get him off! Get him off! Get him off!
[They land next to Coco and Aku Aku.]
Coco: Crash? Who is that?
Aku Aku: Lani-Loli? If the Quantum Masks have returned then...
Lani-Loli: Ack! Ack! Ack! Hey Aku, how's it g-g-gah?! Is that a QUANTUM RIFT?! (breathing in a panic attack)
Coco: It appears to be a door between dimensions.
Lani-Loli: Yes, yes! The kind we keep shut! We have to go through, find my siblings, and fix this before some putz with a big evil plan and a bigger ego does something monumentally stupid!
[Cortex, meanwhile, is scratching his ass and yawning.]
N. Tropy: Uka Uka unknowingly paved the way for our bright future. Once my Rift Generator is complete, dominion over all of time and space will be within our grasp!
Neo Cortex: N. Gin, N. Brio... you had some little projects you wanted to tell me about?
N. Gin: Master, my mechanical marvel will hypnotize you an army!
N. Brio: And my potion will make me--uhhh--them unstoppable!
Neo Cortex: Right, yeah, fine, sure. Have fun with your… ray guns, or whatever.
[N.Gin and N.Brio bump heads and start fighting each other.]
N. Tropy: Hasten your steps! By my calculations, our enemies are already moving against us. And We. Will. Prevail.
[Crash, Coco and Loni-Loli are traveling to another dimension.]
Coco: So we need the other masks to close the rifts?
Lani-Loli: Correct! Now my brother Akano is around here somewhere.
[N.Gin's coming in on a jetpack.]
N. Gin: Welcome to the show, vermin! Looking for your precious mask?
Lani-Loli: Behold the aforementioned putz.
Coco: Don't worry. We have a thing where we fight, he loses. It's a well-established dynamic.
N. Gin: Not this time! I've got a backstage pass for you to get up close and personal with my weapon of mass percussion. Come ready to rock!
[Crash beats the level and finds N.Gin. He's at a rock concert!]
N. Gin: All right all you bloodthirsty lunatics! Put your freaky little hands together for... RAWK-IT HEAD! 1, 2, 1, 2, 3, 4!
[The battle with N.Gin and his drum robot begins.]
N. Gin: Prepare for a beat-ing, bandicoots! Will you stop interrupting my set?! Noooooo!
[Crash defeats him.]
N. Gin: Ahhhhhhh! Ow! Ow.... My beautiful creation...
[However, Akano falls out of the robot, bounces off N.Gin's empty head and flies into the portal between worlds.]
Lani-Loli: Ahhh! Akano!
[The heroes run after him. They end up on one of the pirate ships. They are tied up. Some bandicoot is watching them from the mast of the other ship.]
???: Hang on, guys! I'm coming!
[The bandicoot saves our heroes.]
Coco: Thank you so much-- wait. Tawna?! But you're... different! You're not from our universe!
Tawna: It's good to see you guys. It's been a long time for me.
Coco: We lost touch in your universe too, huh?
Tawna: Yeah... you could say that.
Coco: Hehehe, what'd we like, die or something?
Tawna: What? No! Nope! No! What! Ha! No! Definitely not! So how are things in your dimension? Ahem.
Coco: The usual. Bunch of evil scientists attempting interdimensional domination.
Tawna: Huh! So uh, whatcha collecting? Crystals? Gems?
Tawna: Ooh fun. Well good luck with that.
Coco: Wait, you're not coming?
Tawna: Sorry. I fly solo. But I'll-I'll lend a hand where I can. In fact, I already have…
[She untwists the cat hook on the rope and flies away. Crash and Сoсo get upset. After a while, they find Akano. Crash is excited to take him in his arms.]
Lani-Loli: Akano! Old Dark Matter himself! Careful Crash, he's heavier than he’s heavier than he--
[Unable to hold Akano, Crash drops it on his leg.]
Lani-Loli: Oh good, you're awake. Alright! Two masks down, two to go! Feeling a little less panicked. I was at a 10 before, now I'm at a solid... let's say 9.78888. Oh yeah, these bandicoots are here to help.
Akano: Ban-di-coot. ...hmm. Follow.
Lani-Loli: Short and to the point. Love this guy!
[They teleport to another dimension.]
Coco: So where's the next mask?
Lani-Loli: Not here. If these chucklenuts weren't punching holes in reality, we could open our own rifts. For now we're stuck taking the long route. But I sense another rift around here somewhere... (sees N.Brio) Ahhhhh!
N. Brio: Friends! I have a fun little game for you to play! I've got a reward for the clever bandicoots who can reach my testing grounds... but you'll have to defeat my deadly diabolical creations along the way! Muahahaha!
[He drops a flask of some purple liquid and disappears. Crash beats the level and finds his laboratory.]
N. Brio: Muahahahaha! Oh good, you've arrived! And now for your reward!
[Crash defeats N.Brio who transforms himself in a mountain of muscle. After defeating B.Brio transform into a pterodactyl.]
N. Brio: Hyak! Hrnh? And now for my final t-t-test. Taste my reptilian wrath! Auagh! ...my cloaca...
[He lays an egg...]
N. Brio: Bwaa!? Ughhh… OWW… oohh…
[He flies away in shame.]
Coco: Let's get out of here.
[They teleport to another dimension.]
Dingodile: Ohoho, Crikey, I'm starved! Wait, is that...? Roadkill Pie? Slug and centipede gumbo? Braised bat tacos with guanamole? Well now, what have we got here?
[He finds his own diner! There’s even a commercial on TV inside.]
Dingodile: (from TV) Tired of that vile swill Papa Batfield cooks up in his filthy outhouse? C'mon down to Dingo's Diner!
Disclaimer: Food served at Dingo's Diner may not meet the legal definition of "food." Consume at your own risk. Side effects of dining at Dingo's diner may include fatigue, increased body odor, risk-seeking behavior, thinking too much about your uncle, increased hunger, decreased hunger, alienation from friends and family... skin irritation, ennui, leaky orifices, oozing orifices, glowing orifices, additional orifices, gas, wumpa cheeks, remembering that girl from additional orifices, gas, wumpa cheeks, remembering that girl from highschool - what's she up to? Do you think she's happy?
[Dingodile looks out the window. He's not happy.]
Dingodile: Oi, you buggers stay outta my diner!
Disclaimer: ...and profuse vomiting. No shirts, no shoes, no bats!
[Dingodile takes his powerful windblower and goes out into the swamp… When he defeats all enemies, he too is pulled into the portal. Meanwhile, Crash finds another mask.]
Kupuna-Wa: (yawn) Wah? What time is it? Oh goodness, I ought to know… Crash! Coco! C'mon, give old Kupuna-Wa a kiss, eh? Ehehehe! Mwah! (kisses Crash) Don't look at me like I broke wind at a wedding. I'm Time! I see everything! And I mean everything. There's some very unexpected developments in your future. Your very near future. SHOCKING events that will CHANGE THE COURSE OF YOUR LIFE...
Lani-Loli: Yeah just gonna stop you there before you tell us how we all die!
Kupuna-Wa: Well if you'd rather not know about the GIANT, mask-eating monster from beyond the stars... that is your choice!
Lani-Loli: Leaving now!
[They teleport into another dimension, that looks like a snow-capped mountain. A huge green Cortex head appears in front of Crash.]
Neo Cortex: Crash Bandicoot. You banished me to the past, but all it did was give me more time to plan your doom. You'll find me up the mountain. Don't freeze on the way.
[He laughs and fly away on a ship.]
Lani-Loli: Wow, you know I'm sensing a real fraught history here. How many times have you beaten this clown anyway?
Lani-Loli: Really only three? Funny, seemed like more.
[Crash beats the level and finds Dr. Cortex on a flying ship.]
Neo Cortex: CRASH BANDICOOT. It's about time. This is going to be just like the old days... except this time everything will go according to my plan! Hahahahahaha! I've made a few upgrades to my blimp. Muahahahaha! Rain of... giant deadly missiles! Punchbot Mark 2, deploy! (Crash punches him) Oof! Ow! Punchbot Mark 2 is for punching YOU, not ME! Raaa! Not again!
[Crash defeats his sworn enemy.]
Neo Cortex: Blasted bandicoots! Must we keep going around and around like this? Tell me, Crash, is this all there is, forever? Ughhh...
[Big green head of N.Tropy suddenly appears.]
N. Tropy: I knew you would be unable to handle this simplest of tasks.
Neo Cortex: Gloat all you want, I quit. If you need me I'll be on a tropical island somewhere. Alone.
N. Tropy: How fortunate. You see, I no longer have need for our alliance. I've found a new partner... and a new plan.
Neo Cortex: You were scheming behind my back?!
N. Tropy: Of course! The Rift Generator has capabilities beyond your meager imagination. You were content to simply rule over space and time, but I'd rather start from scratch. Erase it all. Wipe the slate clean. I'm going to reset the timeline and rebuild it to my liking. I will become a god. Which means YOU won’t exist, and neither will those featherbrained masks, or those meddling marsupials! Hahahahaha!
[The head disappears.]
Neo Cortex: Wiped from existence by that pompous peacock?! I'd like to see him try after I shove that tuning fork up his--
Coco: BUT not if we get to him first.
Neo Cortex: It appears we have a common enemy. Perhaps there's a way out of our endless cycle after all.
[Crash hugs Cortex!]
Neo Cortex: Huh? Okay... umm... hmmm... hm.
[The heroes (and Cortex, yeah) jump to another dimension and find another mask. It sleeps in an egg shell.]
Lani-Loli: (screams) WAKE UP!
Ika-Ika: Bwah? Goodness, if it isn't Lani-Loli! How are you, brother?
Coco: Uhhh, sorry to interrupt but existence could end at any minute so can we hurry?
Ika-Ika: (switch sides and sighs) When's existence ever done anything for anyone, anyway? (switch sides) Oh don't mind grumpy gus, he's always a downer. (switch sides) Yeah don't mind me, I don't matter. Nothing matters.
Coco: Now that we found Ika-Ika, that's all four! What's next?
Lani-Loli: We can't close the rifts until we stop whatever is opening them.
Neo Cortex: That would be N. Tropy and his precious “Rift Generator.”
Coco: Sounds like it's time to kick some N. Tropy butt!
[They travel to another dimension, a space station where they meet Dingodile.]
Dingodile: Easy, chums. If I was here to fight you'd be cactus.
Tawna: He's with me. Found him lost out there. Caught him up on the whole... Time, space, y'know, thing.
Dingodile: Yeah. Just tryin' to get home. I was enjoying the retired life, see.
Coco: Got it. Our bad guy's had a change of heart too.
Neo Cortex: “Bad guy"?
N. Tropy: (via loudspeaker) Silence, whelp!
N. Oxide: But, sir!
N. Tropy: You try my patience, Oxide.
N. Oxide: But--
N. Tropy (F): Now, now. I'm sure this insect knows how to obey an order.
Tawna/Neo Cortex: N. Tropy!
N. Tropy (F): Take your ship to Planet Bermugula and be on the lookout for ships approaching The Rift Generator. We can't afford lookout for ships approaching The Rift Generator. We can't afford any unwanted visitors.
N. Oxide: At once, your foulness!
N. Tropy: You manage our affairs with such poise.
N. Tropy (F): Naturally. As do you.
[They flirt. N.Oxide terrified by that. The heroes watch the whole thing via security cameras.]
Tawna: Ugh barf.
[Crash beats another level.]
Coco: It looks like we're on route to the Rift Generator. But we'd be a lot faster in... that!
[They are tied together with a rope.]
Coco: What the--?! Tawna?
Tawna: I'm not losing you guys in this dimension too. I'll handle this.
[She flies away on her ship.]
Coco: But... we're a team....
Dingodile: Oi! What'd I miss?
[However... Tawna loses.]
N. Tropy (F): What's the matter, hero? Couldn't solo this one?
[The heroes burst in!]
Coco: Let her go!
N. Tropy (F): The last time I killed her friends, her screams were exquisite.
N. Tropy: Delicious.
N. Tropy: Let's make this fun. Give them a sporting chance!
N. Tropy (F): Ooh! Let's see what you mongrels can do as a pack.
[The two N.Tropy simultaneously waving their spears opening a portal and throwing heroes into it.]
Akano: AWAKE. FOLLOW.
[Crash slides between time and space.]
Coco: (offscreen) ...a door between dimensions...
Aku Aku: (offscreen) ...reality shattering proportions...
Coco: (offscreen) ...interdimensional domination...
Lani-Loli: ...something monumentally stupid!...
N. Gin: (offscreen) ...RAWK-IT Head!...
Coco: (offscreen) ...you're not from our universe!...
Tawna: ...I fly solo...
Akano: (offscreen) ...ban-di-coot...
Kupuna-Wa: (offscreen) ...I mean everything...
Neo Cortex: (offscreen) ...is this all there is, forever?...
N. Tropy: (offscreen) ...a new partner...
Neo Cortex: (offscreen) ...scheming behind my back?!...
Neo Cortex: (offscreen) ...a way out of our endless cycle...
Dingodile: (offscreen) ...tryin' to get home....
Lani-Loli: (offscreen) ...we can't close the rifts until we stop whatever's opening them...
N. Tropy (F): (offscreen) ...this insect...
Coco: (offscreen) ...kick some N. Tropy butt!...
N. Tropy: (offscreen) ...I will become a god!...
[A lot of classic PS1 style Crash appears on screen with words WOAH! The slide ends in an intergalactic lab. Crash trying to get there dodging lasers.]
N. Tropy (F): In my universe bandicoots are considered pests. As fit for extermination as a housefly.
N. Tropy: Ooh, how modern. Tell me more.
N. Tropy (F): Some keep them as pets, but I find it disgusting. I much prefer spiders.
N. Tropy: Mmm yes. So elegant, spiders.
N. Tropy (F): So many little legs to pull.
N. Tropy: Ooh, wicked.
[Crash successfully reaches the lab.]
N. Tropy (F): Oho, our lost puppy's found its way home.
N. Tropy: Let's put them down.
[Boss battle begins.]
N. Tropy: Enough! I won't be foiled by a fleabag!
N. Tropy: No!
N. Tropy (F): I'll squash this bug!
[Crash manages to defeat the evil twins!]
N. Tropy: Curse you...
N. Tropy (F): ...bandicoots!
Coco: We did it!
Tawha: Yeah, we did.
Neo Cortex: (mocking N.Tropy) What's the matter? Unable to handle even this simplest of tasks? I no longer have need for our--
[Dingodile throws them out of the lab with a swipe of his tail.]
Dingodile: Bloody dags.
Neo Cortex: ...alliance.
Kupuna-Wa: Right then! Let's plug up these holes!
[The masks concentrate their powers and closes holes in space.]
Dingodile: Oi, not that it ain't been fun, but about my ticket home...
Kupuna-Wa: Right! Now that we've mended things, we can take you anywhere, anywhen... after we rest. For now I can only get us as far as the culinary capital of the universe: Neon City!
Akano: Mmm... nachos.
[Kupuna-Wa teleports the heroes to shiny futuristic Neon City!]
Coco: You said it, Crash!
Aku Aku: We can meet with the others after we've explored. Now, which way are the food trucks?
[They explore the city.]
Tawna: The shnurgle shank was killer!
Dingodile: Ugh, strewth! Who cooked it?! Heat was too high. S'why it was all rubbery inside. Subpar grill marks, too.
Coco: I liked the pickled wumpa leaves.
Neo Cortex: Oh Cortex you CAD! Why did you not see it before? Muahahaha!
[He catches Kupuna-Wa with his gun and flies away. Tawna and Dingodile throw Crash and Coco towards Cortex’s ship.]
Tawna: Give him hell!
Neo Cortex: There's another way I can break this cycle of endless fighting between us. I can go back to where it started... I can undo my greatest failure!
[Crash understands less than nothing as always.]
Coco: He means you, Crash.
Neo Cortex: Bye-bye, bandicoots.
[He throws them off his blimp and flies away to the past, but Crash and Coco manage to follow him.]
Neo Cortex: You again?! You two are so clingy! Take a hint already!
Neo Cortex (Past): Who's on my super secret personal frequency?! What?! Who is this... this impostor?!
Neo Cortex: Do you not recognize your own face? I've come from the future to warn you! If you try to turn Crash Bandicoot into the General of your army you will fail! The machine rejects hi--
Neo Cortex (Past): Fraud! Fiend! N. Brio, alert the guards!
Neo Cortex: Ugh... why won't I listen to me?!
[Crash beats the final level of the first game and finds Cortex.]
Neo Cortex: Do you have any idea how stubborn I used to be?
Coco/Aku Aku: Yes.
Neo Cortex: I need to stop him from making you, but I can't kill him because that would kill me so I guess that means I'll have to kill you. Muahahahahaha! Yoink!
[He points to Crash. The final battle begins!]
Neo Cortex: Did you... jump on the Shoot-o-Matic?! Cheater! Argh! Assistant, go! Unbelievable! Just relax and accept non-existence. Shoot-o-matics: shoot! Stop that! Assistant, go! Time out, time out! AnnihiLaser, fire! What's the matter? Afraid of the searing deadly laser? Careful! I might flip! Blast it! Assistant, go! Can't keep up the pace? Think fast! Sloooooooowing… Ready, set... Cower before Cortex! Stop that! Assistant, help! Rude! Enough! I'm bored of your shenanigans! Stop that! Assistant, go!
[Crash defeats the power of masks and beats Cortex.]
Neo Cortex: Not like this! (some crates fall on his head) Doh! Ugh! Oh! Ow! Huh! Augh!
[Crash and Coco release the past Cortex from a cell.]
Neo Cortex (Past): Ughhh... oooh! Hmm, must've taken a hit to the old temporal lobe. But a fallen foe can only mean one thing... it came to blows and I WON! My new General's first order of business will be to dispose of you! Muahahaha!
[He runs away.]
Neo Cortex (Past): (via radio) We are closer than ever before! Quickly! Into the vortex!
N. Brio: (via radio) But Doctor Cortex, the Vortex is not ready! We have no idea what it could do, ehehhehe!
Neo Cortes (Past): Failure again!
[It seems that the past Crash defeats his Cortex.]
Coco: Explains a lot.
Akano: (jumps on him) You. Stay.
Neo Cortex: Ugh... what are you going to do to me?
Kupuna-Wa: Nuh-uh-uh! Looks like somebody needs a little time out...
Lani-Loli: ...somewhere he can't cause any trouble.
Ika-Ika: Enjoy the end of the universe!
[They open a portal and suck Cortex into it.]
Neo Cortex: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
[Crash happily dances. Everyone laughs. In the next scene we see another Dingodile’s Diner commercials.]
Dingodile: Dingo's Diner is back and ready for you! Say g'day to delectable dishes inspired by my interdimensional travels! Enjoy the breeze with our innovative three-wall dining room design! Dingo's Diner: health and safety rated- "D" for "Delicious!"
Disclaimer: Warning: "D" is a failing sanitation grade and does not stand for delicious.
[Meanwhile, Cortex finds himself on a deserted planet...]
Neo Cortex: Ahhhhh. Peace at last.
[He lays down on the ground. Our heroes, meanwhile, are playing on a videogame console!]
Tawna: Ooh ooh! Almost there, almost there! Get the - yes!
Coco: YES! Wumpa victory! Hey Crash, you're in!
Coco/Tawna: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1!
[Aku Aku smiles watching them having fun.]
Aku Aku: Hahahahaha.
1941 - 2020